Goodbye to You

2009=A year of growth and change. I have learned so much this year. I have never felt more confident in who I am and what I want in life. I have lived, laughed, loved, and cried this year. But at the same time, I've had my heart broken. Again. 2008 and 2009. And...it's time to make 2010 different. A better year than before. So? I'm chunkin' up a deuce to a lot of things/people in my life. Out with the old..and in with the new...

Therefore, I find this picture very fitting :)

Friends truly are the sunshine of life. I was super upset awhile ago, and one of my friends just told me the best piece of advice I've ever heard. Her exact words:

You weren't in the same relationship. That should answer ALL your questions. Besides, here is an awesome thought: The right guy is out there right now, wondering when he's going meet someone just like you. Someone who IS you.

Aww I love my friends! I needed to hear that. She's right though.

Reminds me of this quote from He's Just Not That Into You. "Anyone who assesses you or your realtionship as "disposable" is not worthy of your time or tears." Very true.

I think I will end this blog short and sweet and to the point with these lyrics by Michelle Branch.

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

Goodbye to you...

Happy birthday Jesus!

This has been a very eventful Christmas day. I almost got into several car accidents due to the horrible road conditions from the snow storm. The first one was on my way home, someone slammed on their brakes in front of me & since we were on ice, I couldn't stop & ended up sliding off of the road & into the ditch! Then the second time was when I was on my way back to my apartment. I was driving & someone pulled over into my lane & again I was on ice. I swerved to try to miss them & almost went off & hit the guard rail & all of the leftover food that my mom sent home with me went flying into the floorboard of my car. Scary! I also had a flat tire today...& it just so happened to be on the side that I got hit on when I had my wreck, & the shop that fixed my car didn't put my tire back on right, & the hub cab was covering up the little air tube..so my uncle had to use some handy dandy tools to take that all off just so we could put air in it. Then tonight..(just now) my sisters & I saw smoke coming from the apartment directly above ours (the room right above mine) & had to call 911. The fire department came & broke the window to get into the place & I guess put out whatever it was. But jeez..wow..what an eventful day. haha. I am also sick & feeling pretty yucky...but you know what? I cannot complain because no matter how bad things get, they could always be worse! I am a very lucky & blessed girl & I have so many amazing people in my life to be thankful for. Plus I am alive & I have made it to see 23 wonderful years of life on this earth thus far. Pretty freakin' spectacular if ya ask me! :)

So today is a pretty remarkable day. It's not just any ole day. It's CHRISTMAS! Jesus' birthday! Christmas is not about Santa Claus or about reindeer. Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. His birth changed the whole world! I know everyone loves to give gifts on Christmas and also receive them. That is part of the tradition at Christmas. BUTTTTT, just as you give gifts to your loved ones, God gives us a gift as well: the gift of complete forgiveness, freedom from sin, and eternal life with Him in Heaven. The gift of salvation! And, just as we have to accept the gifts that our loved ones give us, we also have to accept God's amazing gift to us, too! So, this is Christmas: not the tinsel, not the giving and receiving, not even the carols, but the humble heart that receives anew the wondrous gift, the Christ. That, my friends, is what this wonderful holiday is all about!

I know my family had a very humble Christmas this year, but I can honestly say that I have never been happier. I enjoyed their company and was just happy to have each one of them there, alive, well, and in good spirits. That's what really counts. I wish I could give my family the world. One day, I hope I will be able to (once I become a big hot-shot lawyer!) :) I think that my first few paychecks as a lawyer will be devoted to helping my family out & giving back to them for all of the things that they have done for me. After all, I would have never made it this far without them!

No matter how "simple" my Christmas 2009 might have appeared to others, I will always remember it. Not only did I enjoy my family's company & relish in happiness with them, but this Christmas, one of my dreams..a dream that I have had for a very long time..finally came true! I got to go to New York City at Christmas time WHILE it was snowing! Now how amazing is that?!!!!! It's something that I have always wanted to do, something that only people in the movies get to do, it seems. And I got to go there with someone that I really love & care about! So even better! I had so much fun while there. I got to go ice skating at Rockefeller, went to Central Park, went to Liberty Island & to see the Statue of Liberty, went to Macy's, walked around Times Square, went to Bryant Park, experienced some delicious NY pizza, went to China Town & got my "hustle" on..haha...& so much more! It was truly a fun time! I hope the person that took me on that trip knows how great of a time I had & how truly grateful I am for everything that they did for me. I may not always be the best at showing it, but it really did touch my heart. No one, and I repeat NO ONE, has ever done anything like that for me, not ever, and I will hold those memories that were made there in NYC in my heart for always. 2 Timothy 1:3 I thank God for you—the God I serve with a clear conscience, just as my ancestors did. Night and day I constantly remember you in my prayers. :)

It's almost 2010. Can you believe it?!!! I know I certainly can't. Heck, I can still remember back in 1999 when my small little mind thought "oh my, what will the world be like once it hits the 2000 year mark?!" And now here I am...a decade after the fact...and a year and a half away from graduating from law school. Who knew? Anyway, this New Years, I have several resolutions that I am going to make & I plan on keeping them for once. I want to share them a little bit.

First, I want to cultivate a better relationship with myself. I think in the past I have set aside my career or personal goals for my significant others or just for other people in general. I think a lot of people are guilty of that. Maybe for some people it works. But for me, it doesn't. I personally think that it sets me back in terms of my success because I spend all of my energy on my relationship instead of dispersing it equally. So my New Years resolution is to love myself and take care of myself FIRST prior to loving anyone else. If I am not happy with myself, I'll find myself in unhealthy and potentially destructive relationships. Like Carrie said in Sex in the City, "The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

Secondly, I want to quit worrying. I think I worry so much about what tomorrow holds or what the distant future might be, that I get caught up. After all, Luke 12:25 says Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And it's so true. I need to start FULLY giving all of my worries to God by recognizing that He has ultimate control & say over my life. Only He knows who I am going to marry (regardless of how my heart feels), where I am going to work one day, where I am going to live, ect. So I might as well let go of the things that I cannot control, and let God do HIS will!

Thirdly, I want to enjoy life more. This kind of goes hand in hand with worrying. If I stopped worrying, I would easily be able to enjoy life more. I want to just go with the flow & have that carefree nonchalant attitude that I usually have, but for always & in everything. One of the hardest lessons I have learned (more recently more than ever) is that I have no control over my life. God does. So no matter how badly I want someone or something to work out in my life or go a certain way, God has ultimate control. I think what I have learned lately, too, is that when I try to fix things myself, those things end up failing miserably because I am a sinner by nature & am therefore destructive. The truth is..I cannot do anything on my own! I need God's help! I have several situations/things in my life that need prayer, & I am praying on those things & trusting in Him, & that is all I can do. Forcing those things to work or trying to make those things happen will not be successful. So I need to just let go & live life, & what is meant to happen will happen on it's own..& in GOD's timing (which is perfect) & not in my own. That's part of enjoying life. That & I want to just live this year to the fullest. I want to study abroad again this summer in Italy, take a few chances, try some new things, train for a half marathon, ect. The sky is the limit!

Fourth, I want to become less emotional. I think I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I am very sensitive because of that. I want to put a "protective covering" around my heart, & not be so forthcoming with my feelings..because it seems like my feelings are sometimes too straightforward & at this point probably are too much to handle anyways because how I feel may not be how the other person feels either.

Fifth, I want to be more and more like a Proverbs 31 woman. I want to be the best woman of God that I can be..not only for God and for myself..but also in preparation for my future husband one day.

Sixth, I want to stop using bad words completely! I usually only cuss when I am upset or angry, but I want to cut bad language out altogether because those words are certainly not very Christian like!

Seventh, I want to stop over-analyzing everything so much. Now, to stop completely. I think, would be next to impossible because that is an integral part of my psyche. I think I am analytical by nature (& so are a lot of lawyers in general). However, I also think that is a great quality to have WHEN it is used within reason. BUTTTTT, I sincerely believe that I over think and over analyze everything I do. It really disrupts many aspects of my life, especially my relationships. I can't ever just enjoy the moment without constantly predicting and doubting everything. I need to learn to just let go and let the chips fall into place themselves. Easier said than done, of course, but hey, whose perfect? I am working on it! :)

Eighth, I want to have clear goals for myself & achieve them. I feel like my last "big goal" was getting into law school & now that I am here, I haven't really though about much else...except occasionally the whole job idea...what I wanna do after I graduate, ect. Well, I have always made goals for myself & achieved them. Why not make a few more goals & make them happen? I need to make a list of immediate (short-term goals) I wish to achieve & also some long-term goals, as well. I can even come up with a man-plan! Yes goals can go also apply to relationships! Hey, if I am not pro-active about what I want & when I want it..who will be? Even though God has ultimate control & say in who I eventually end up with, I can at least be pro-active about it & try to keep the person who has my heart.

That leads me to my next NY resolution. Number nine. Being realistic. I think sometimes I live in this fairy tale world where everything is perfect, there are leprachauns & rainbows (lol) & nothing ever goes wrong. But ding ding ding..reality check please! That is sooo not how things really are! In fact, things are far from that. I have to realize and accept that some of the things I want in my life or for my life may never happen. I may think I know who it is I want to marry, I may think I know what is going to happen tomorrow, I may think I know that I am going to live "happily ever after" in EXACTLY 5 years or have a baby by the age of 28, ect. But realistically speaking, I don't know any of that. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. I might die tomorrow. Who knows! So I just have to accept that there are some things in my life that will never "work themselves out" (at least not in the way that I want). BUT in the same breath, I trust in God & know that whatever plan He has for my life is bigger AND better than anything that I personally could ever imagine, want, or dream up for myself. So that notion in itself keeps me happy :)

Tenth, I want to start realizing my self-worth and not just realizing it, but actually knowing it.

Wanna' please; wanna' keep; wanna' treat your
woman right?
Not just dough, but a show, that you know she's
worth your time
You will lose, if you choose, to refuse to put her first
She will if she can find a man who knows her worth!

(Chorus)
'Cause a real man knows a real woman when he
sees her (when he sees her)
And a real woman knows a real man
Ain't 'fraid to please her (please her)
And a real woman knows a real man always
comes first (first)
And a real man just can't deny
A woman's worth (a woman's worth)
-Alicia Keys, "A Woman's Worth"

With that said...I need to realize that I am a phenomenal woman & that I have a lot to offer to other people, this world, and in a relationship! There is not another person out there who is just like me. I am one of a kind. I was created by my Lord and Savior that way. I am precious in His eyes. And I am worth the wait. I may be a pain the butt sometimes, I may be stubborn, I may act irrationally sometimes, but gosh dangit I am WORTH it. I am WORTH all the hardship & troubles because my good qualities outweigh my bad. I am a diamond in the rough, a needle in the haystack. Some people may not realize this until it is too late. But that's okay. Because I know, and my God knows. And God says that I am worth it. No matter how much I fail, no matter how much I sin, God never leaves me or foresakes me. He never turns his back on me. He never tells me "Sorry my child, you're too much for me." No. None of that. He loves me anyway. And I need to start loving me some ME too. I need to realize that yeah I'm not perfect, but so what, who is? And at the end of the day, I have a lot to offer. Good girls like me are hard to come by, & I think I have a lot of qualities that are very hard to find these days. I need to stop looking in the mirror & letting my imperfections or what other people may point out on me get to me & bring me down. I need to realize my worth. I'm worth it. God thinks I'm worth it. Stop & ask yourself..do you think I'm worth it? Do you realize MY worth? Or even your own self-worth? You know what..hold the phone girlfriend..doesn't even matter...because all that matters is that God thinks I'm worth it. :) And I need to start thinkin that I'm worth it, too!

And Eleventh, and most important, I want to continue to strengthen my relationship with God! My journey with Christ is far from perfect and can definitely use some spiritual growth. I want to become more faithful and more Christian like..& I want the Holy spirit to be so alive in my heart...so passionate in my soul..that it's contagious & everyone can see it and feel it! :) It's not easy being a Christian in this world. It's not supposed to be, though. In fact...read 1 Corinthians 4:9.
Because it seems to me, that God has put us who bear His message on stage in a theater in which no one wants to buy a ticket. We're something everyone stands around and stares at, like an accident in the street. We're the Messiah's Misfits.

Twelve, I want to train for a half marathon! And I am going to do it! And I am going to totally run one THIS year. 2010. Yes..I am going to make it happen!



How's that for resolutions?!!!

I am going to end this blog with one of my fav. Mariah Carey songs of all time..a song that I feel is very fitting for the moment & how I feel right here..& right now. Watch & listen below.