A Love Letter to my Unborn Baby Girl

Dear Mariah Jade,

I know I haven't met you yet, but I feel like I already know you. I have dreamed about you. Thought about holding you. Touching you. Seeing you for the first time. What will you look like? Will you look more like me or your dad? Will you have my nose, my toes, my smile? Or his? Or will you be a perfect blend of the two of us?

We always knew you were going to be a little girl. Even from day one. And though you were a complete and total surprise to me and your daddy, you were never a mistake. God knew you, as He knew Jeremiah in the Bible, long before you were born or even conceived. He thought about you and planned for you. And He has given you a purpose. You are a valuable jewel in His eyes. And in ours. You are loved. You are beautiful. You are unique. You are destined for greatness! And even though you haven't lived a day on this earth yet, God knows all about your whole life. And it is going to be wonderful.

Sweet baby girl, you were conceived and brought forth in this world against insurmountable odds, so I know that you are going to have a resilient spirit. And, you are also going to be incredibly strong. You don't know this yet, but you have already survived a car accident and being hit in Mommy's tummy with the airbag! But God protected you, and you did not get hurt at all. You are one tough little girl! And if you are anything like your mama, you will be a feisty little thing sprinkled with a little bit of sassiness and attitude. :) But you will have your daddy's kind heart and sweet spirit.

You are an active child! I started feeling you move around in my tummy at 16 weeks. At first it just felt like butterflies or a little flutter every now and then. But now that I have reached the 17 week mark, I feel you more and more. Me and your dad have decided that you just might be a gymnast when you grow up. Every ultrasound I have gotten, you just move and move and move!

Baby girl, we pray over you every night. And even throughout the day. We pray that you will accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior at a young age, that you will love Him as much as we do, that you will be a servant for Him, that you will obey Him and let His purpose be fulfilled in your life, that you will be a blessing to many. We also pray that you will not only have outer beauty but also inner beauty. And that many people will be drawn to you and be saved because of the spirit of the Lord who lives inside of you.

Sweetheart, by now, your ears have already formed, so we know that you are able to hear us. Your daddy reads Bible stories to you at night and then explains them in simple terms so that one day you will understand. You like hearing Bible stories because you move around a lot when he reads and talks to you!

You don't know this yet, but your daddy has a soft spot in his heart for you already. You are already the apple of his eye. And he and I, together, are so excited to meet you! But we want you to take your time to get here. Keep growing, keep moving, keep developing. Keep sleeping. And then, when you are ready, and when it is time, we will be waiting for you with open arms. And you will be surrounded with so many friends and family who are going to love you to pieces, spoil you, and adore you.

Sweetheart, I want to tell you one more thing. For so long, your mommy asked herself the question: what if? What if I am pregnant? What if? And you know what, baby girl? Even though mommy doesn't have all of the answers or know what the future holds, there is one thing that I do know. I know that my future will soon hold you. And I have found the answer to my what if.

Mariah Jade. She is she, she is YOU.

Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him. -Psalm 127:3

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. -Psalm 139:1

"I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart ..." -Jeremiah 1:5

What Happens INSIDE of You is More Important than What Happens TO You

Have you ever felt like you are THIS close to reaching your breaking point? Like, if one more thing happens, you just might lose your cool and have an emotional break down? Well, I reached my point recently. I literally did not know how much more I could take and was crying out to the Lord.

Before I talk about the circumstances that led to my almost complete and utter melt down, I wanted to take a moment to just talk about the trials and tribulations that we as people will all undoubtedly experience in this fallen world at some point or another. Every second, every minute, every day, something bad happens. Yes, even in the lives of us Christians.

I equate life to an airplane. Think about it. There are times when you fly, where your trip is completely smooth sailin' and the sky is perfectly blue and cloudless. Then, there are other times when your flight experience is anything but pleasant. You might fly through a storm and therefore experience turbulence. Or fog. Rain. Thunder. Lightening. Snow. Air pockets. There might even be one of those out of control toddlers sitting behind your seat. You know, the one whose parents forgot to give him/her Benadryl, and he/she annoyingly kicks your seat from behind, making you grind your teeth and clench your jaw in frustration. Or you might be one of the lucky passengers who has the opportunity to sit beside Chatty Cathy. We all know who Chatty Cathy is. That's the person that you didn't even know until you sat down...who keeps looking over and starting senseless conversation with you about anything and everything (even though you have your iPod in your ears and all you want to do is sleep). Or maybe a few little birdies decide to fly into the engine of the plane upon take off and then they immediately burn up on impact and cause a foul smell to come through the air conditioning vents (happened to me once, believe it or not).

So just as a pilot or a passenger on an airplane can never truly expect for every flight to be smooth sailin'....neither can we as Christians expect to navigate through life without encountering difficulties, challenges, and obstacles. Unfortunately, as long as you are living and breathing on this earth, each and every one of us will encounter tests, trials, and tribulations that will place pressure on us either physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, or mentally. Or maybe even all of the above!

We need not be surprised when such trials come into our lives. But here is what we need to each understand. We have someone who is out to get us, an adversary, if you will. His name is Satan. And all he wants to do is kill, steal, and destroy. He wants to hinder our spiritual growth and keep us from reaching the destiny that God has in mind for us. So you know what Satan does? He uses trials and tribulations to make us doubt God's promises and to steal the word of God that we have received into our hearts. He tries to make us believe that God doesn't love us or care about us.

Lies, lies, lies, from the enemy.

BUT God. God, on the other hand, wants us to use those times of trial and tribulation to develop our faith in Him as our source and to bring Him glory (among other things) as we triumph over the challenges we face.

So when you are feeling "knocked down," by life or when you feel that life has given you some pretty crappy/sour/unfair lemons so there is no possible way you could even make lemonade (even if you wanted to), remember that it is not God's purpose to keep you down. Nope. His purpose is to make you rise to a higher level of spiritual maturity. And the only way for us to reach those higher levels is to go through challenging situations. This is confirmed by scripture....as the Apostle Paul told believers in Antioch that we enter God’s kingdom through many tribulations (Acts 14:22).

SO...what happens INSIDE of you...is more important than what happens TO you! Alright, so that's all easier said than done right? I mean..I can remind myself of that NOW, but when I am really going through some stuff....I mean reallllyyyyyyyy going through some THANGS (lol) whewwwwww it is tough!!!! That's why I gotta stay prayed up!!!! "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." -Romans 12:12

So now onto me. And my almost melt down. And by almost, I mean, I was super duper close. :) But...well, where shall I begin? If you have been avidly following my blog, you know how hard of a time I initially had just finding out I was pregnant, dealing with what it means to be pregnant, the shame, guilt, the what-ifs, etc. Then I had to face the changes (physically, emotionally) & just thinking about how much my life is truly going to be different once baby S arrives. Then I moved to Amarillo. And had to deal with the changes of moving from a big city back to the dusty west. Adjusting. Job Hunting. Finding a new OB-GYN. Thinking about future plans. Planning. Talking about wedding plans with Marlon. And so much more. As a side note, I don't recommend ever moving while pregnant. It's not fun. But then the story gets even more interesting. Because then I had a car accident. And totaled my poor lil' car that I only had for not even a year and a half. Sally Saturn is no more!

On Wednesday, I was driving back to my house from an interview. Something told me to go straight home, but when I realized I didn't have any gas, I decided that I needed to find a gas station STAT. After seeing how many cars were out and about (not that 5pm Amarillo traffic can possibly come close to comparing to the horrendous 5pm Houston traffic..)...but still, I decided eh...I'll just go ahead & go home after all. So I got into the turning lane, to turn left. Now, this is a little hard to explain..but bear with me. The traffic was all backed up on this particular road because it was after 5. But often times, when traffic is backed up, some drivers (if they are nice) will usually leave an open space in the traffic for people who are turning...which was the case for me. So I was about to turn left, but I realized I couldn't see if there were any cars coming or not in the furthest lane from me. Well, the people behind me were incessantly and impatiently honking at me to go...and the driver in the lane that I could see was motioning for me to go, as well. I was going about 5mph at this time, just sort of easing into the lane, inching in to see if there was a car coming or not so I could try to determine whether or not it was safe to go. I'm a careful driver!

Well, as soon as I inched over the lane, it happened. BAM. I got slammed into by a Yukon that was going entirely too fast. And as soon as we collided,, my front airbag deployed and hit me right smack in the chest/abdomen. I looked at my hand and it was red (I guess the airbag hit my hand, too). And I looked down at my leg (I had a skirt on & somehow my skirt had ripped & my whole front thigh was showing).

I sat in my car for about 3 minutes in complete and utter shock. Had this really just happened? All I could smell was that nasty, yucky, airbag smell. Then a lady came over to my window asking me if I was okay. I choked out a yes, and she told me to get out of my car because it was leaking all kinds of fluids. I went and checked the other driver to make sure she was okay, as well. We hugged. She said she was fine just shaken up. And so was I..just had a horrible headache and some bruises. But I was worrying about the baby. I didn't even care about me!

Fast forward the story a bit....past my freaking out/tears/hyperventilating. Officer gets there; I get the ticket (even though I couldn't see the car...it was still technically my fault), Marlon comes to the rescue & gets all of my stuff out of the car & makes sure I'm okay..& then whisks me away to the ER. ER gets me in, they check my vitals & said my pulse and blood pressure were through the roof. (Well, duh!) They then check the fetal heart beat. Baby S's heart beat was 140..which is normal..so they let me go. No ultrasound. Nothing. I was not a happy camper.

I called my new OBGYN the next day, even though my first official appointment wasn't until Aug. 31st. I told them what happened, & they asked me to come in immediately. So I did. As soon as I got there, doc had to leave to do an emergency C-section. Nurse practitioner (NP) asked me if the ER did an ultrasound on me. I told them no. They were completely shocked and angry (because this is the same hospital that they deliver at). So the NP called over and started yelling at someone on the phone about how they should have done an ultrasound on me..etc etc. Then the NP takes me back, tells me that I am going to get a lot of blood drawn & a PAP smear. I said, "again?" She said, "What do you mean again?" I explained to her that I had already had one & that they should have all of those medical records. She opened my file & it was empty. I told her I had signed a medical records affidavit 2 weeks prior (when I first moved here). It turns out that they never contacted my doctor in Houston to procure the records. So I had to wait for like two hours until my doc in Houston faxed them over. I then heard the nurse fussing at some of the other staff people about how I had been waiting there forever, how they should have gotten my records, etc. Finally, she comes back in & tells me that I am going to get some blood drawn for the quad-screening (for birth defects) & then asked if I could come back in the afternoon. I was livid at this point. LIVID. Blood boiling. But because I love Jesus, I smiled at them when I really wanted to get hood. LOL. Fast forward some more, I went back at 1:30, doc was back & making his rounds. I wait for an hour before he finally came in. It was our first time to meet. Immediately I liked him (much, MUCH better than my OBGYN in Houston). He has a super awesome personality. He gave me some prenatal vitamin samples (SCORE!) and the book What to Expect When Expecting. And let me ask a hundred thousand questions. And didn't try to cut me off.

I was also talking to him about my weight because I am now 17 weeks and I have only gained 1 pound.

He asked me if I had been eating...& I said oh yeah...trust me. lol. The first 3 months, I didn't have much of an appetite and was sick all the time. So I may have actually lost weight then. But now that I have been feeling better, I definitely don't skip a meal. A lot of the time though, when I am feeling hungry, I'll just eat an extra yogurt..or a banana..or some oranges. And I have also been going to the gym with Marlon. So maybe I will be one of those prego ladies who just wakes up one day and it looks like I swallowed a bowling ball or something. Who knows. But for now..all is well. However, my doc wants me to go back on Monday to get an ultrasound done just to make sure that the placenta is intact and everything is okay. They think I am fine since I haven't had any cramping or bleeding and the baby's heartbeat at that appointment was in the high 140's-150 range. So I am hoping that when I go back on Monday that they will be able to tell me what we are having already...because I don't want to have to wait anymore :) My doctor told me that it's like opening presents at Christmas-time & assures me that I can wait "a little bit longer" to find out the surprise. I assured him that I cannot. I have never been good at keeping surprises or waiting to open gifts. Never. But regardless of waiting to "officially" find out, I feel like I already know what baby S is. Me and Marlon believe it is a girl and have been feeling that way since day one. But we shall see! :)

So between dealing with a totaled car, ER visit, obgyn stuff, & now my car insurance...it has been a wonderful past few days. Not. The insurance adjuster should be looking at my car on Monday. I already know it is totaled. So I am preparing myself. I think the next car that I get will be a little SUV of some sort...no more cars.

On a different note, I have to take a moment to brag on Marlon for a bit. He has once again been my knight in shining armor through all of this. After my wreck, I had the worst headache-migraine. I felt like my head was going to explode. But, alas, being pregnant, the only thing that I can take is Tylenol..which doesn't really help headaches of that magnitude. So I just had to tough it out. Marlon told me that I needed some cheesecake and I agreed. haha. I swear I think that boy is trying to make me get fat. But I am a sucker for some dirty delicious cheesecake! :) He def took good care of me and always makes sure that I am okay. And he has already started reading Bible baby stories to my tummy. It makes me tear up. EVERY TIME. Seriously.

Well, enough of my senseless rambling. Hope you all have a blessed Saturday!

XOXO
Kyn

This is my RIGHT NOW

Sometimes the hardest part about today…is right now. Not the future….but today. Deciding that the truth is actual, trying to understanding the largeness of a situation…all the while, grasping the fact that you have suddenly become two people overnight, unexpectedly, without ever knowing it.

Saying those three little words out loud, “I am pregnant” may be hard to hear. Deafening. Difficult to fathom. Impossible to swallow.

It’s different when you vocalize the truth. Sometimes it seems that if you don’t say the truth out loud, then it isn’t really real. Why is that?

Proverbs 18:21 says that, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

Before I speak, I try to remind myself of that scripture. I try to remind myself of the fact that I can LITERALLY speak seemingly bad/negative things into my life…if I am not careful.

For weeks, I thought that maybe if I just didn’t speak the truth that was revealed by multiple tests and two little blue lines, along with a definite confirmation from the doctor…then maybe, just maybe, it never really happened. Right?

That worked for awhile. But when the morning sickness began to set in, when something as simple as brushing my teeth made me throw up, when just thinking about eating certain foods would make my stomach hurl, when I had so many food aversions that even eating SOMETHING became difficult, when I started to feel tenderness in my breasts, when I started getting heart burn and acid reflux, when I suddenly became an emotional basket case, I simply couldn‘t run from the truth anymore.

I had to say it out loud.

I AM PREGNANT.

Even so, I still struggled trying to process the magnitude of what that means. Pregnancy.

I must admit, when I first found out, I was not one of those newly expectant mothers who ran to the baby section of the store and started filling my basket with items. Nope. Nor was I one of those newly expectant moms who keeps the pregnancy test to show to the entire world. Not me either. Instead of being overwhelmed with excitement, I was actually filled with fear. I was terrified of this baby growing inside of me. But why?

I guess if you think about it, everything in life takes time. It takes time to feel comfortable with a new friend. It takes time to warm up to a stranger. It takes time to get along with a roommate. And, well…it takes time to move beyond your comfort zone in every facet of life. So I guess having an unexpected pregnancy is much the same. It takes time to process. And faith and honesty. And you know what I found out? That’s okay.

I would go to work day in and day out pretending. Pretending that I was okay when I wasn’t. Pretending that I wasn’t sick. Pretending that I didn’t want to just leave my head in the toilet all day instead of sit at my desk. Pretending that I wanted to go to lunch with a coworker…when in reality I wanted to stay far away from food. Pretending that emotionally I was okay…when really inside I had a crushed and broken spirit.

I even pretended to my friends and family. I pretended to be happy when I wasn’t. I pretended to be okay when I wasn’t. I pretended that everything in my life was peachy keen and grand because I had just graduated with my Masters degree…when really, it wasn’t. I pretended that I was the amazingly strong Kyndra that everyone sees, when really I would sit alone in my apartment and just cry and cry and cry. Cry out to God. Read my Bible with tears in my eyes, the text blurred, the lines unreadable. I even pretended to one of my best friends while doing our Esther Bible study called It‘s Tough Being a Woman. Secretly, as I would go through some of the lessons, I would think…psssttt. It’s tough being a woman doesn’t even BEGIN to describe it. When friends or family would ask me how I was doing, I was quick to say “good” and immediately turn the spotlight back on them and talk about their lives. Their happily ever after. Somehow living vicariously through other people provided a temporary escape from my NOW. If I would just talk about everything and anything….BUT the truth.

Honestly, when I went to my second doctor’s appointment, I was actually overjoyed inside when I stepped on the scale and I hadn’t gained any weight. I was 8 weeks pregnant then. The first time I went to the doctor I was 6 weeks pregnant. At my initial appointment, the doctor did the trans-vaginal ultrasound but couldn’t “find it” remember? He ultimately concluded that I was for sure pregnant, but wanted to get my lab results back to confirm for sure. So I had to go back to the doctor, two weeks later.

So at 8 weeks pregnant, I went back.

As soon as the doctor walked into the room, the first thing he said was, “Well, there is no doubt about it now. You are definitely pregnant! You have HCG, the pregnancy hormone, in your blood.”

He explained that he wanted to do another trans-vaginal ultrasound to see what he could see this time.

So once again, I laid down on that cold, hard table…naked and exposed… and waited. I think I was probably sweating bullets at that moment because I wasn’t sure what I would see. Or what I would think. Or how I would feel.

And then that magical moment happened. The moment when I saw it. A tiny, lima bean looking thing. I was instantly amazed that in just two short weeks, it went from being a speck to an actual visible shape.

As I looked at the screen, I suddenly became freaked out because I saw this small circle thing attached to the lima bean. My heart dropped because I thought something was wrong. The doctor laughed and assured me that no, everything was fine and looked normal, and that the peculiar looking circle “thing” attached was just the yolk sac.

Yolk sac? Humans have yolk sacs in the beginning? Well that beats the heck out of me. Ha. I certainly had no idea what that even meant at the time because I had never felt the need to educate myself on the stages of pregnancy..or how a baby goes from being an embryo…to a fetus…to a real baby.

I thought I was finished, but the doctor wanted to see if he could hear a heart beat yet. SO he put the Doppler on my flat tummy, and that’s when I heard it. Fast beats that were unmistakable. Undeniable. A constant and repetitive thumping.

The heart rate was 167.

That’s when it became real. And that’s when I began to cry. But this time, my tears were tears of amazement. Amazement of the tiny little being forming inside of me. In awe of God’s grace and what He had made.

I had to keep reminding myself that I’m not a teenager anymore. No matter how much of a little girl I felt like on the inside, I was now an adult. A grown up. A woman of God. I was now in my late twenties. 26. Not 15.

For awhile there, I felt like I was doing an injustice to the teenage girl that I was mentoring who was locked up in a juvenile facility for a variety of misdemeanor charges. I felt like a disgrace to her because I was pregnant. How could I inspire her to not make mistakes in her life, when I had made so many in mine?

The only visitor the kids there ever get to have besides their mentors, are their parents..and that is only one day a week. When I always went to visit, my mentee’s face would light up with joy. She couldn’t help but smile. And I couldn’t either. Because I sincerely wanted to make a difference in her life. I wanted to inspire her to be more, to do more. I wanted to push her to establish goals and break the cycle. I wanted her to remember me.

The week after I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t have the energy to go visit her. It was hard to even smile then. So I just didn’t show up. And the next week, when I went to visit her again, she asked me where I had been the week before. I stuttered and stammered trying to think of an excuse. But then I realized that I didn’t really have one. Even though I was dealing with my own inner turmoil, God still wanted to use me for a purpose in her life. And He wasn’t finished yet.

So I just kept praying. I prayed that every week, God would speak through me to her. Even on the days that I didn’t have the words to say or the energy to even smile because of everything that I was dealing with personally. And He did.

The last time I saw her, I told her that I was probably going to be moving away from Houston. I didn’t tell her why of course because I didn’t think it was important for her to know. She was about to get released on good behavior the next week anyway, so it was actually perfect timing. I remember as I walked away from that facility for the last time, I looked back and saw 5 or 6 of the youth with their faces pressed against the glass, smiling and waving at me. Tears in eyes, I smiled and waved back. I have a heart for youth. And I hope that God uses me to make a difference in the lives of youth one day.

I wish I could tell you that it has gotten easier. That life has been better since I revealed my “big secret” to my family and friends. But the truth is, it depends on the day. Moving is hard. Change is never easy. Understanding that I don't have to necessarily give up my goals, but rather, re-route them or put some of them on hold, is tough. Especially after all that I have been through and how hard I have worked to get to where I am. But the real difficulty, is not in any of that. No, the toughest pill to swallow at times, is the mere realization that my life as I have always known it, will change indefinitely on January 26, 2013. Forever.

I will say, though, that I have been incredibly blessed beyond measure by all of the kind words of encouragement, support, prayers, and love that friends, family, and the like, have shown me and Marlon recently. So thank you to those who have reached out. Even when you don't have the words to say, sometimes it's enough to just tell someone, "I am praying for you." That is how God has called us to be as brothers and sisters in Christ. So thank you all.

My mom is completely overjoyed to be a “Grammy” and the rest of my family as well as Marlon’s are all excited, too.

Even if this didn’t happen in the way that I expected it, I have to remind myself that….well, that’s just life sometimes. Life never goes how WE plan it. That’s because at the end of the day, we aren’t really the ones in control. God is.

Before the pregnancy, me and Marlon had been praying strongly for marriage. Praying that God would bless our future marriage beyond what we could ever imagine. We prayed that He would somehow bring us together in the same city, that we wouldn’t have to do long distance anymore. We prayed that we would be the best future husband and wife to each other that we could possibly be. We prayed that our future lives together would be amazingly bright and that we would be better together than we were apart.

We just didn’t know how God would answer that prayer. Or how He would turn a sinful situation into a blessed one.

Psalm 127:3 says that children are a gift from the Lord.

And I believe it. And receive it.

I am now 16 weeks pregnant. I am starting to show a little bit, but it looks more like a beer gut than anything (ha!). No more flat tummy.

We are starting to get excited now and are embracing this blessing whole heartedly.

I couldn’t imagine going through this without Marlon. I mean seriously...look at him.

What's not to love about that handsome face? He is such a strong man of God and has been so encouraging, so supportive, and so prayerful. He always reminds me of what is truly important and who is really in control. And that’s God. He has been there with me through all of this, even when I cry after a funny movie for no reason (yes that really happened) or even when I am so sick that all I want to do is just curl into the fetal position and sulk. He has been incredibly patient with me, as well. Especially when I use pregnancy as an excuse. If I am in a bad mood, it’s because I am pregnant. If I am tired, it is because I am pregnant. If I don’t feel like going somewhere, it’s because I am pregnant. Everything is because I am pregnant ;) lol ;)

So I didn’t get that fairy tale-Cinderella-storybook-virginal ending. And I will not have that wedding where I wear the white dress and it hugs all of the right curves. At least not right now. Nope. The curves that my dress will hug will probably be from the baby and my growing body. But you know what? That’s okay. The most important things in life aren't things. After all, the things of this world will perish. Marlon quickly reminded me of that. In fact, as soon as I whined to him about how my wedding day isn't going to be quite the day that I pictured now, he said, "So? Is that what makes the marriage? What about the people who were married in the Bible? They didn't have all of the stuff that people have today in weddings. You can have all of that "stuff" and a magical fairy tale day..and still end up in divorce." Ah, I love that man. He's right.

I choose to be happy with my RIGHT NOW. Because I chose life over death. I choose to embrace the blessings that God has given me. I choose to love the lover of my soul, the Creator of all that I am. And I choose to love the man of my dreams, Marlon, and this new blessing, baby S,…forever and ever. And the rest of the stuff in between? The what ifs and all of those worries? Well, I am giving it all to God. And I am letting Him use me. Through my imperfections, through my trials, and through my tribulations. Through my honesty. Through my naked exposure of sin. And through this.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” -Matthew 6:34

Until next time,
Kyndra

My Life is Forever Changed.

"There is the crooked that God causes and the crooked that we create for ourselves and God allows. We make mistakes, blunders, messes. We can create disorder, chaos, sadness, and suffering by breaking God's instructions concerning how life is to be lived. Yet He who is in control over all things says, concerning the seemingly crooked that He has made or the crooked we have caused, "All things work together for good to them that love God..."

This is probably the hardest blog I have ever written. I debated on whether or not I should post it, but after much prayer, I have continually felt an incessant tugging at my spirit to post it. So here I am. This makes me very vulnerable, but I suppose I am no more vulnerable than how I have been feeling the last few days..now that my “big secret” is out. I am sure plenty of you have seen a comment or two pop up in your news feed on facebook, maybe even snickered to yourself or had to pick your jaw up off of the ground due to complete and utter shock. When I first found this all out, I worried so much about what other people would say and how I would be judged, but now, quite frankly, I don’t care. I really don’t anymore. I am reminded by scripture that Jesus was condemned in His time, as well, and as Christians in this world, we too, will be persecuted. I prayed and prayed that once this was all “out” that Marlon and I would have an incredible support system and that people would encourage us, lift us up, and pray for us. And so far, that is exactly what has happened. God is good! And now I am starting to get excited. Excited about this new blessing, excited about spending the rest of my life with Marlon, and excited about all that God has in store for us. But, that wasn’t always the case. SO, here is my blog that I wrote in the very beginning…many weeks ago. It is painful, raw, true, and real. Keep that in mind as you read along.

Contraceptives, magazines, music, and media attempt to provide excuses to justify impurities. Every day people are inundated with messages that shout “if it feels good just do it.” What society fails to recognize though, is that there is no such thing as a condom to protect the heart.

And that is why after all the ups and downs and twists and turns in my life, after all of the heart breaks and failed romances, I knew I had to make my relationship with Marlon different. WE , together, decided that we wanted to strive to start our relationship off the right way; God’s way. So, we chose to practice celibacy. We made this choice based upon our faith, God's word, and our strong desire to wait until marriage to share that special moment.

But we weren't perfect. In ONE moment of weakness, our world changed. The enemy was relentless, and one day in early May, we gave into the desires of our flesh. And in that moment everything suddenly changed. We just didn't know it at the time.

Immediately, we both felt guilty. We repented, prayed together, and tried to get back on track with God. And we did. In the interim, we both went back to our normal every day routines. He with work/working out/everything else and me with work and finishing up my Master's program.

As an aside, I am so thankful that we serve a mighty God. A God of opportunity and second chances. Because the minute, no the SECOND, we repent of our sins, we are instantly forgiven. That’s the beauty of His grace. We certainly don’t deserve it, but I am so thankful that He gives it to us anyway!

I had to remind myself of that when it came to letting my own sins go. Because even before I committed my sin, the lamb was already slain. Of course the devil would try to convict me of my sin over and over again in my mind, but I knew better. I knew that I wasn’t bound by what I had done anymore. So that incident had been long erased from my mind. I was already covered by the blood of Jesus, so I didn't need to keep beating myself up over it.

Let it go.

So I did. And everything was fine. For awhile. But I kept thinking to myself, what if I am pregnant?

Immediately, I thought about how silly that thought was to even entertain. How could I be pregnant? I did not believe that there was any way for that to be humanly possible. At ALL.

It’s probably just stress. I told myself. After all, I just graduated, and now I have to find a career job, and then I am going to have to move. Stress. That’s probably what it is.

“Are you okay?” asked one of my friends.

“What is wrong with you?” asked another.

I had been unusually quiet and withdrawn lately, avoiding people, & kind of keeping to myself.

I assured them that I was. But inside, I wasn’t okay. Because in my heart I knew. I had this feeling I couldn‘t shake. A feeling that would not go away.

It was towards the end of the week, a Thursday, I think. I decided that I couldn’t sit around and not know anymore because the feeling of not knowing was worse than knowing once and for all. So I did it. I made a trip to a pharmacy a few miles down the street. A trip that would literally change my life forever.

What kind do I get? Should I get the E.P.T. or chance the off brand? Did I want one test or two tests? I decided the off brand would suffice just fine and that I would definitely need two just in case. Just in case what? I kept battling back and forth in the deep recesses of my mind.

I grabbed the box and shamefully walked to the front counter. The clerk greeted me with a smile and started small talking with me. I tried to crack a smile back, but it was fake and anything but genuine. I watched her lips move but wasn’t listening to the words that she was saying. How could the cashier calmly check me out when my life was about to change forever? Didn’t she have the slightest clue?

I hurriedly left the store and walked to my car with my head down. Did I really just go in there and buy a pregnancy test? Me? Seriously?

The drive back to my apartment seemed forever long. As soon as I opened the door, I headed straight to the bathroom. No one knew that I had the tests. Not even Marlon.

I took a deep breath and cracked open the box, fumbling with the instructions and trying to read along without freaking out. I decided that I would have to do the pee-in-the-cup method because my hands wouldn’t stop shaking long enough to steadily hold the little white stick.

I held my breath and dipped the test.

What if…..?

Before the test was even fully submerged, I saw it. Those two little blue lines. And I froze. That moment is forever emblazoned in my mind. Because time stopped. I couldn't blink. I felt sick. Nauseated, even.

That can't be right. It must be a mistake. I tore open the second test and dunked it. Positive again. How could this be?

I was 26, unmarried, and had just graduated with my Masters degree. I wasn’t even in my career yet or where I wanted to be in life. This has to be a joke.

For several days I pretended as if that day had never happened, as if it was just some figment of my expansive imagination. I tossed and turned in bed at night for days on end..thinking that maybe, just maybe this was all just a bad dream that I would soon wake up from..that I would soon return back to my state of "normal."

Falling fast, the feeling of overwhelming confusion and shock. The fear of responsibility. Fear of time. Fear of change. Fear of judgment. What will my friends think? What will my family think? What will people say? I just graduated. I can't be a mom. I'm not ready. Not now. Not yet. Not til Marlon and I are married!

I had worked hard to make my life “look perfect.” I had a check list and a to-do list for everything. I wore my badges of college honors graduate…and now Masters degree graduate with honor. I prided myself for being a person that other people could look up to.

And then, at 26, I committed the “ultimate sin:“ a pregnancy out of wedlock. And I was a devout Christian at that. Sure, an unplanned pregnancy may be fine if you happen to be Kim Kardashian. But in the real world of stigmas and stereotypes, being unmarried and pregnant is not exactly a glamorous thing.

Reality is different.

Reality is judgment, reality is the assumption that brains and pregnancy do not co-exist, reality is the moment when you realize that you can’t tie a pretty red bow on this one or make it go away.

I felt as if my world had suddenly collapsed, as if I couldn’t accomplish my dreams. The thought of achieving my goals had just been flushed down the toilet. Everything I worked towards, was gone. Meaningless. Panic, Hysteria. Shock.

Then, the guilt crept in. Guilt is a God-given feeling, which brings our mistakes and faults to the forefront of our minds. It is a bitter reminder of our sins and bad choices, exposing our straying away from God's intended path for our future. Shame, on the other hand, is not from God.

While guilt can convict us to repent and confess our sins to receive God's forgiveness, shame drives us away from Him into more darkness. Shame can fool you into thinking that you are too far away for God's loving embrace.

And in that moment, the shame of this whole situation was too much to bear. The enemy was winning. Not because he is more powerful than God, but because I was letting him.

I was angry. This isn't fair, God. Out of ALL the times that WE chose the right thing, out of all the times that we DIDN'T give in to the desires of our flesh, the one time we do...this is what happens? How is that fair, God?

Then I started comparing myself to other people…something you shouldn’t do (but in the heat of the moment, I did it anyway). Why did this happen to me, God? How is it fair that the very people who will probably judge me…have had sex themselves (before marriage) and the only reason they DIDN’T get pregnant like me..is because they took birth control? Or the morning after pill? How is it fair that some people took the “easy way out” and chose death over life by having an abortion? Tell me, God, how is that fair?

Silence. No answer.

I felt so disconnected. After all, this unidentified human set up shop in MY BODY completely uninvited. The nausea, the morning sickness, the surge of hormones, all of the changes. I didn’t sign up for it.

I felt so alone. Marlon was there, and I was here. And no one knew. Who could I tell? I hadn’t even accepted it yet. How could I possibly open up to anyone else, when I couldn’t even deal with it myself?

Fast forward to my first doctor's appointment. Marlon went with me.

My doctor came in and the first thing he said was, “Congratulations on your surprise!”

How could he possibly be congratulating me right now? This didn’t exactly feel like the cake-eating, balloon throwing, aw-you-shouldn’t-have surprise. It was more of the ohmygod-this-can’t-be-happening, not-yet-not-now surprise.

“You may feel some coldness and a little bit of pressure.“
Blah. Blah. Blah. Whatever you say…just get it over with already!
And just like that, it happened. They were doing the trans-vaginal ultrasound. He explained to me that the TV monitor on the wall wasn’t working, so I would have to sort of sit up a bit to try to see.

He looked around on the screen..and I looked, too. “I don’t see anything,” he said.

Well, I don’t either! See! I knew I wasn’t pregnant! I knew this was all just a dream!

He kept moving the wand around. “Ah-ha! There it is! It was hiding.”

I looked at the monitor. I still didn’t see what he was talking about. I mean, yeah, I saw this tiny little speck, thing, but that could be anything, right?

The nurse printed off the ultra sound picture and handed it to me.

I must have looked at that picture a hundred times while the nurse took 6 tubes of blood to run 123412341234 tests. Prenatal tests, she called them. But I still couldn’t process it. I kept staring at the photo. It was blank. There was nothing visible and certainly not anything that even remotely resembled an embryo.

And then I blanked out.

I walked out of that doctor’s office with Marlon trailing behind me, calling my name, asking me if I was okay. I abruptly pressed the down button for the elevator. No, I’m not okay, I thought. And then the tears fell. Hard. Painfully hard. Not the tears that you cry when you watch a good lovey dovey chick flick with a happily-ever-after ending. No. These were the kind of tears that you cry when you feel as though your world is about to collapse, when your heart feels completely broken and in pieces, when your life feels like it is in shambles. It’s the kind of cry that is seemingly impossible to recover from. And those tears? They kept falling. Like a water fall, staining my face, smearing my mascara, blurring my vision. For days. For weeks. And I just couldn’t make them stop.