My how life has changed!

Well it has been forever since I have updated my blog, and boy has life changed! I have been meaning to get better about updating, but sometimes I honestly think to myself...hmmm..do people even really read this thing? I know that people obviously do..but I guess I just feel like I don't really have anything important to say or much exciting news to report on. lol. But, I digress. Let’s see where I left off.

The last time I updated, I had been in a car accident.

Fast forward to the present, and I am now a married woman, have a new job, and now settling into life in the big city of Amarillo (insert sarcasm here).

Anddddddd, today is me and Marlon's one month anniversary of being married!!! So happy anni to my handsome hubby!!! :)

So now let's talk about the wedding.

First we got engaged..and it was totally perfect and super sweet. I had been dreaming about that moment since I was a little girl. Who would it happen with? Where would we be? How would he do it? What would I be wearing? What would my reaction be? Would I cry, smile, shriek, or be perfectly speechless? Would my nails be done or not? Would the ring be sized perfectly or fall off of my finger?

It’s funny how we women think of all of these seemingly small and insignificant details. The little things. And yet, with each passing year, life seems to get more and more complex. Trials and tribulations come. Tragedies strike. People that we know receive devastating news that rocks us to the core. Our loved ones get hurt. We weather many storms. And when we come out on the other side, suddenly a “normal” wedding seems like just a lot of over-the-top fuss and bother. At least that was the case for me.

Once upon a time, when I was a little girl, I wanted a big wedding. And back in those days, I dreamed of all of these eccentric, fairytale details…everything from the dress, the hair, the wedding location, the exotic honeymoon, etc. Money wasn’t an object then because I just figured I would find a way to pay for it or that my future husband would be rich. Then, I got older and actually understood the concept of money and that, well, it doesn’t just fall into your lap or grow on trees. I also realized that I didn’t come from money, and therefore, I didn’t have a mommy and daddy to foot the bill. Thus, anything that I wanted, I would have to get for myself. And I did. And still do.

I used to joke around about that movie 27 Dresses because that was totally my life story. I was always the bridesmaid and never the bride. And I had a little colorful collection of bridesmaid dresses to show for it. After my 6th time of being a bridesmaid, though, something inside of me changed. It was then that I decided once and for all, that I absolutely did not want a big wedding anymore. Nope. After seeing and experiencing first-hand, the stresses that each of the bride-to-be’s had to endure as well as the boo-koo’s of money that they spent on the whole fiasco; I had revamped my idea of what my dream wedding would be. And my mind was made up. I wanted to run away to a destination somewhere and just elope. I wanted the ceremony to only be me, him, the minister, and God. On the beach. At sunset. No more, no less. That’s it.

Well, I thought I was on that track to making that plan happen. Until the day came that I actually got engaged and the realization that I am pregnant set in. Somehow, I still believed that the beach dream wedding idea could still be a possibility, but then I had a light bulb moment. I had just started my new job and couldn’t take any time off from work until Mariah Jade is born. But you know what? I was perfectly content with that.

After attending a marriage seminar and really reflecting on the biblical principles that make up a marriage, I realized that sometimes…those “little things” aren’t really so important. Not even in the slightest. Not at all. Yes, it’s okay to have those desires. Yes, it’s okay to want to have a nice wedding. But, weddings don’t make marriages. And in a few months and years, no one will remember what kind of food you served at the reception or what color scheme you used. And unfortunately, no one will remember what your floral arrangement consisted of or whether they were authentic or silk. They won’t remember any of those little details. Only the person who paid for the wedding will remember all of those seemingly small, insignificant details and the dent it made in their checkbook. And it’s only when you look back in an album, that those memories will surface.

I know some people who have had the dreamiest of weddings…who are now currently divorced. And then I also know some people who just went and got married at the court house, but have been together for 15 years. Funny how that works huh?

Anyway, so to make a long story short, Marlon and I found a cute bed and breakfast outside of Ft. Worth on 37 acres of ranch land. And we saw that they had wedding packages and decided to do it there. When we arrived at the bed and breakfast, we found out that they had upgraded us to a private cottage in a suite. The suite normally went for $300+ a night, but they didn't charge us for it, of course. They were just upgrading us to be nice. I call that an answered prayer...because the room was absolutely AMAZING. It had a jacuzzi in it and everything. So nice!

Anyway...so we got married on Saturday, September 1, 2012 outside underneath a gazebo and a bunch of big, beautiful oak trees. It was just me, him, the minister, and God. And it was perfect. We said our vows and then the minister started off our marriage the best way that he knew how; and that is in prayer. So we all held hands and prayed and then afterwards, we took pictures. I had a very sweet girl that I went to college with take our pictures. She's a photographer in the area (& a talented one at that) so it worked out! And now....fast forward to the present, and I have a pretty handsome hunk of a husband. Love him to pieces!

It's so weird to say that my last name is actually Smith now. But I love it. And I love being introduced as his wife..and introducing him as my husband...especially because we prayed for marriage for SO long. And now it finally happened.

Me and Marlon have started going to a married couple's bible study on Wednesday nights with several other couples. And we love it! And we love the people. So many of the wives have reached out to me and have made an attempt to make me feel at home and comfortable in Amarillo. And that, again, is another prayer answered because it hasn't been an easy adjustment for me. And not knowing many people here has been hard. So what a blessing each and every one of them are! They are all so sweet! We love our life group family!

Aside from all of that, I've just been pretty busy with my job. I am in training right now in Abilene..so I have been doing frequent traveling between Amarillo and Abilene (which is a 4.5 hour drive). Not fun...and especially not fun while almost 6 months pregnant. I basically have to do 8 weeks of classroom training & then like 5 weeks of on the job training. The classroom training is in Abilene..so I've been going for a week at a time..then coming back..then going..then coming back..etc. Yuck! It makes doctor's appointments pretty difficult to schedule. And also makes it stressful to get Mariah's room ready and stuff. I am thankful, though, that I am very comfortable in my hotel. It's pretty nice. And since I've been here, I have been taking advantage of the indoor swimming pool & gym & staying very active. I was kind of embarrassed to get into my bikini, at first, because it is my pre-pregnancy bikini. But, it still fits, and I don't look too scary in it (yet) haha so I have been wearing it and getting in the pool until I'm a wrinkled prune.

In other news, miss Mariah Jade is definitely growing! And moving more and more. And my tummy is definitely becoming more prominent. This whole concept of gaining weight hasn't exactly been easy to tackle. I have always been extremely self conscious about my appearance/body...so stepping on the scale and seeing numbers I've never seen before, was terrifying at first..haha. But I know that's just one of the joys of mommyhood. Luckily, I am starting to feel a lot better these days..so that's a plus. Lately, though, I've been dealing with indigestion and acid reflux. Not fun! Me and Marlon finally did our baby registry..and let me tell you, that was kind of hard! haha There are like a hundred million different brands of just about EVERYTHING for a baby, and us being new parents...we had no clue what to put on there. lol. But I guess that's how everyone feels the first time around! Anyway, several people have asked about our registry and baby showers and what not. So for anyone who doesn't already know, we are registered at Target and Babies R Us!

Our next task if getting her room completed. We finally picked out her bedding and lets just say her room will definitely be princessy. The colors we are doing her room in are pink and brown. I'm excited :)

On a random note, I have been doing a lot of thinking today. Just thinking about the roller coaster that I have been on over the last several months..especially thinking back to the day when I first found out that we were pregnant. I was so heart broken at first, devastated, angry, upset. And now here I am...feeling blessed and thankful. God just amazes me. Mariah Jade is going to be one blessed and very loved little girl...by SO many people. And all glory goes to HIM!

This pregnancy has definitely had its share of challenges. And still does. From the beginning..to moving from Houston to Amarillo, getting into a car accident & totaling my car, getting engaged & married, starting a new job, & now doing frequent traveling for my work training (& having to be away from my sweet husband)...it's very hard. And I have felt very down and out many times. And alone. And lonely. I still have my days..even now. It's tough. And I'm pregnant & emotional & hormonal. And none of that helps. But you know what? The sun will shine tomorrow. And I will get through it all.

I'm just keeping it real. How many times have you ever heard that phrase or used it yourself? Probably countless times. I know I have. And I've definitely used it before. But never has it applied to my life more than it does today.

Transparency. What is it? And why do we feel like we cannot be honest with each other? What is so frightening about saying, “If you really want to know, it has been a cruddy day and I’m ready to scream?”

Pride. Vulnerability. That's the answer most of the time. We are not willing for others to see us as we really are – a frail human being. Being transparent though..doesn't mean that we should go on a tangent of a million & one complaints every time someone asks how we are. We just need to be transparent. After all, Jesus was.

Being transparent takes guts. But I have really felt like God has been using me and Marlon's testimony to touch others. I can't tell you how many people reached out to me over the last few months and told me personal stories of their own, admitted to having an abortion, talked with me about pregnancy, etc. I never knew then that my story would touch the lives of other people. But that just shows how amazing God truly is.

Think about your life. What storms are you weathering right now? Or what things have you gone through in the past? Now that you have thought about it...have you ever considered sharing that testimony with others and letting them know how God has worked in your life? I urge you to do so. Let God use you!

Until next time,
Kyndra

A Love Letter to my Unborn Baby Girl

Dear Mariah Jade,

I know I haven't met you yet, but I feel like I already know you. I have dreamed about you. Thought about holding you. Touching you. Seeing you for the first time. What will you look like? Will you look more like me or your dad? Will you have my nose, my toes, my smile? Or his? Or will you be a perfect blend of the two of us?

We always knew you were going to be a little girl. Even from day one. And though you were a complete and total surprise to me and your daddy, you were never a mistake. God knew you, as He knew Jeremiah in the Bible, long before you were born or even conceived. He thought about you and planned for you. And He has given you a purpose. You are a valuable jewel in His eyes. And in ours. You are loved. You are beautiful. You are unique. You are destined for greatness! And even though you haven't lived a day on this earth yet, God knows all about your whole life. And it is going to be wonderful.

Sweet baby girl, you were conceived and brought forth in this world against insurmountable odds, so I know that you are going to have a resilient spirit. And, you are also going to be incredibly strong. You don't know this yet, but you have already survived a car accident and being hit in Mommy's tummy with the airbag! But God protected you, and you did not get hurt at all. You are one tough little girl! And if you are anything like your mama, you will be a feisty little thing sprinkled with a little bit of sassiness and attitude. :) But you will have your daddy's kind heart and sweet spirit.

You are an active child! I started feeling you move around in my tummy at 16 weeks. At first it just felt like butterflies or a little flutter every now and then. But now that I have reached the 17 week mark, I feel you more and more. Me and your dad have decided that you just might be a gymnast when you grow up. Every ultrasound I have gotten, you just move and move and move!

Baby girl, we pray over you every night. And even throughout the day. We pray that you will accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior at a young age, that you will love Him as much as we do, that you will be a servant for Him, that you will obey Him and let His purpose be fulfilled in your life, that you will be a blessing to many. We also pray that you will not only have outer beauty but also inner beauty. And that many people will be drawn to you and be saved because of the spirit of the Lord who lives inside of you.

Sweetheart, by now, your ears have already formed, so we know that you are able to hear us. Your daddy reads Bible stories to you at night and then explains them in simple terms so that one day you will understand. You like hearing Bible stories because you move around a lot when he reads and talks to you!

You don't know this yet, but your daddy has a soft spot in his heart for you already. You are already the apple of his eye. And he and I, together, are so excited to meet you! But we want you to take your time to get here. Keep growing, keep moving, keep developing. Keep sleeping. And then, when you are ready, and when it is time, we will be waiting for you with open arms. And you will be surrounded with so many friends and family who are going to love you to pieces, spoil you, and adore you.

Sweetheart, I want to tell you one more thing. For so long, your mommy asked herself the question: what if? What if I am pregnant? What if? And you know what, baby girl? Even though mommy doesn't have all of the answers or know what the future holds, there is one thing that I do know. I know that my future will soon hold you. And I have found the answer to my what if.

Mariah Jade. She is she, she is YOU.

Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him. -Psalm 127:3

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. -Psalm 139:1

"I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart ..." -Jeremiah 1:5

What Happens INSIDE of You is More Important than What Happens TO You

Have you ever felt like you are THIS close to reaching your breaking point? Like, if one more thing happens, you just might lose your cool and have an emotional break down? Well, I reached my point recently. I literally did not know how much more I could take and was crying out to the Lord.

Before I talk about the circumstances that led to my almost complete and utter melt down, I wanted to take a moment to just talk about the trials and tribulations that we as people will all undoubtedly experience in this fallen world at some point or another. Every second, every minute, every day, something bad happens. Yes, even in the lives of us Christians.

I equate life to an airplane. Think about it. There are times when you fly, where your trip is completely smooth sailin' and the sky is perfectly blue and cloudless. Then, there are other times when your flight experience is anything but pleasant. You might fly through a storm and therefore experience turbulence. Or fog. Rain. Thunder. Lightening. Snow. Air pockets. There might even be one of those out of control toddlers sitting behind your seat. You know, the one whose parents forgot to give him/her Benadryl, and he/she annoyingly kicks your seat from behind, making you grind your teeth and clench your jaw in frustration. Or you might be one of the lucky passengers who has the opportunity to sit beside Chatty Cathy. We all know who Chatty Cathy is. That's the person that you didn't even know until you sat down...who keeps looking over and starting senseless conversation with you about anything and everything (even though you have your iPod in your ears and all you want to do is sleep). Or maybe a few little birdies decide to fly into the engine of the plane upon take off and then they immediately burn up on impact and cause a foul smell to come through the air conditioning vents (happened to me once, believe it or not).

So just as a pilot or a passenger on an airplane can never truly expect for every flight to be smooth sailin'....neither can we as Christians expect to navigate through life without encountering difficulties, challenges, and obstacles. Unfortunately, as long as you are living and breathing on this earth, each and every one of us will encounter tests, trials, and tribulations that will place pressure on us either physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, or mentally. Or maybe even all of the above!

We need not be surprised when such trials come into our lives. But here is what we need to each understand. We have someone who is out to get us, an adversary, if you will. His name is Satan. And all he wants to do is kill, steal, and destroy. He wants to hinder our spiritual growth and keep us from reaching the destiny that God has in mind for us. So you know what Satan does? He uses trials and tribulations to make us doubt God's promises and to steal the word of God that we have received into our hearts. He tries to make us believe that God doesn't love us or care about us.

Lies, lies, lies, from the enemy.

BUT God. God, on the other hand, wants us to use those times of trial and tribulation to develop our faith in Him as our source and to bring Him glory (among other things) as we triumph over the challenges we face.

So when you are feeling "knocked down," by life or when you feel that life has given you some pretty crappy/sour/unfair lemons so there is no possible way you could even make lemonade (even if you wanted to), remember that it is not God's purpose to keep you down. Nope. His purpose is to make you rise to a higher level of spiritual maturity. And the only way for us to reach those higher levels is to go through challenging situations. This is confirmed by scripture....as the Apostle Paul told believers in Antioch that we enter God’s kingdom through many tribulations (Acts 14:22).

SO...what happens INSIDE of you...is more important than what happens TO you! Alright, so that's all easier said than done right? I mean..I can remind myself of that NOW, but when I am really going through some stuff....I mean reallllyyyyyyyy going through some THANGS (lol) whewwwwww it is tough!!!! That's why I gotta stay prayed up!!!! "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." -Romans 12:12

So now onto me. And my almost melt down. And by almost, I mean, I was super duper close. :) But...well, where shall I begin? If you have been avidly following my blog, you know how hard of a time I initially had just finding out I was pregnant, dealing with what it means to be pregnant, the shame, guilt, the what-ifs, etc. Then I had to face the changes (physically, emotionally) & just thinking about how much my life is truly going to be different once baby S arrives. Then I moved to Amarillo. And had to deal with the changes of moving from a big city back to the dusty west. Adjusting. Job Hunting. Finding a new OB-GYN. Thinking about future plans. Planning. Talking about wedding plans with Marlon. And so much more. As a side note, I don't recommend ever moving while pregnant. It's not fun. But then the story gets even more interesting. Because then I had a car accident. And totaled my poor lil' car that I only had for not even a year and a half. Sally Saturn is no more!

On Wednesday, I was driving back to my house from an interview. Something told me to go straight home, but when I realized I didn't have any gas, I decided that I needed to find a gas station STAT. After seeing how many cars were out and about (not that 5pm Amarillo traffic can possibly come close to comparing to the horrendous 5pm Houston traffic..)...but still, I decided eh...I'll just go ahead & go home after all. So I got into the turning lane, to turn left. Now, this is a little hard to explain..but bear with me. The traffic was all backed up on this particular road because it was after 5. But often times, when traffic is backed up, some drivers (if they are nice) will usually leave an open space in the traffic for people who are turning...which was the case for me. So I was about to turn left, but I realized I couldn't see if there were any cars coming or not in the furthest lane from me. Well, the people behind me were incessantly and impatiently honking at me to go...and the driver in the lane that I could see was motioning for me to go, as well. I was going about 5mph at this time, just sort of easing into the lane, inching in to see if there was a car coming or not so I could try to determine whether or not it was safe to go. I'm a careful driver!

Well, as soon as I inched over the lane, it happened. BAM. I got slammed into by a Yukon that was going entirely too fast. And as soon as we collided,, my front airbag deployed and hit me right smack in the chest/abdomen. I looked at my hand and it was red (I guess the airbag hit my hand, too). And I looked down at my leg (I had a skirt on & somehow my skirt had ripped & my whole front thigh was showing).

I sat in my car for about 3 minutes in complete and utter shock. Had this really just happened? All I could smell was that nasty, yucky, airbag smell. Then a lady came over to my window asking me if I was okay. I choked out a yes, and she told me to get out of my car because it was leaking all kinds of fluids. I went and checked the other driver to make sure she was okay, as well. We hugged. She said she was fine just shaken up. And so was I..just had a horrible headache and some bruises. But I was worrying about the baby. I didn't even care about me!

Fast forward the story a bit....past my freaking out/tears/hyperventilating. Officer gets there; I get the ticket (even though I couldn't see the car...it was still technically my fault), Marlon comes to the rescue & gets all of my stuff out of the car & makes sure I'm okay..& then whisks me away to the ER. ER gets me in, they check my vitals & said my pulse and blood pressure were through the roof. (Well, duh!) They then check the fetal heart beat. Baby S's heart beat was 140..which is normal..so they let me go. No ultrasound. Nothing. I was not a happy camper.

I called my new OBGYN the next day, even though my first official appointment wasn't until Aug. 31st. I told them what happened, & they asked me to come in immediately. So I did. As soon as I got there, doc had to leave to do an emergency C-section. Nurse practitioner (NP) asked me if the ER did an ultrasound on me. I told them no. They were completely shocked and angry (because this is the same hospital that they deliver at). So the NP called over and started yelling at someone on the phone about how they should have done an ultrasound on me..etc etc. Then the NP takes me back, tells me that I am going to get a lot of blood drawn & a PAP smear. I said, "again?" She said, "What do you mean again?" I explained to her that I had already had one & that they should have all of those medical records. She opened my file & it was empty. I told her I had signed a medical records affidavit 2 weeks prior (when I first moved here). It turns out that they never contacted my doctor in Houston to procure the records. So I had to wait for like two hours until my doc in Houston faxed them over. I then heard the nurse fussing at some of the other staff people about how I had been waiting there forever, how they should have gotten my records, etc. Finally, she comes back in & tells me that I am going to get some blood drawn for the quad-screening (for birth defects) & then asked if I could come back in the afternoon. I was livid at this point. LIVID. Blood boiling. But because I love Jesus, I smiled at them when I really wanted to get hood. LOL. Fast forward some more, I went back at 1:30, doc was back & making his rounds. I wait for an hour before he finally came in. It was our first time to meet. Immediately I liked him (much, MUCH better than my OBGYN in Houston). He has a super awesome personality. He gave me some prenatal vitamin samples (SCORE!) and the book What to Expect When Expecting. And let me ask a hundred thousand questions. And didn't try to cut me off.

I was also talking to him about my weight because I am now 17 weeks and I have only gained 1 pound.

He asked me if I had been eating...& I said oh yeah...trust me. lol. The first 3 months, I didn't have much of an appetite and was sick all the time. So I may have actually lost weight then. But now that I have been feeling better, I definitely don't skip a meal. A lot of the time though, when I am feeling hungry, I'll just eat an extra yogurt..or a banana..or some oranges. And I have also been going to the gym with Marlon. So maybe I will be one of those prego ladies who just wakes up one day and it looks like I swallowed a bowling ball or something. Who knows. But for now..all is well. However, my doc wants me to go back on Monday to get an ultrasound done just to make sure that the placenta is intact and everything is okay. They think I am fine since I haven't had any cramping or bleeding and the baby's heartbeat at that appointment was in the high 140's-150 range. So I am hoping that when I go back on Monday that they will be able to tell me what we are having already...because I don't want to have to wait anymore :) My doctor told me that it's like opening presents at Christmas-time & assures me that I can wait "a little bit longer" to find out the surprise. I assured him that I cannot. I have never been good at keeping surprises or waiting to open gifts. Never. But regardless of waiting to "officially" find out, I feel like I already know what baby S is. Me and Marlon believe it is a girl and have been feeling that way since day one. But we shall see! :)

So between dealing with a totaled car, ER visit, obgyn stuff, & now my car insurance...it has been a wonderful past few days. Not. The insurance adjuster should be looking at my car on Monday. I already know it is totaled. So I am preparing myself. I think the next car that I get will be a little SUV of some sort...no more cars.

On a different note, I have to take a moment to brag on Marlon for a bit. He has once again been my knight in shining armor through all of this. After my wreck, I had the worst headache-migraine. I felt like my head was going to explode. But, alas, being pregnant, the only thing that I can take is Tylenol..which doesn't really help headaches of that magnitude. So I just had to tough it out. Marlon told me that I needed some cheesecake and I agreed. haha. I swear I think that boy is trying to make me get fat. But I am a sucker for some dirty delicious cheesecake! :) He def took good care of me and always makes sure that I am okay. And he has already started reading Bible baby stories to my tummy. It makes me tear up. EVERY TIME. Seriously.

Well, enough of my senseless rambling. Hope you all have a blessed Saturday!

XOXO
Kyn

This is my RIGHT NOW

Sometimes the hardest part about today…is right now. Not the future….but today. Deciding that the truth is actual, trying to understanding the largeness of a situation…all the while, grasping the fact that you have suddenly become two people overnight, unexpectedly, without ever knowing it.

Saying those three little words out loud, “I am pregnant” may be hard to hear. Deafening. Difficult to fathom. Impossible to swallow.

It’s different when you vocalize the truth. Sometimes it seems that if you don’t say the truth out loud, then it isn’t really real. Why is that?

Proverbs 18:21 says that, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

Before I speak, I try to remind myself of that scripture. I try to remind myself of the fact that I can LITERALLY speak seemingly bad/negative things into my life…if I am not careful.

For weeks, I thought that maybe if I just didn’t speak the truth that was revealed by multiple tests and two little blue lines, along with a definite confirmation from the doctor…then maybe, just maybe, it never really happened. Right?

That worked for awhile. But when the morning sickness began to set in, when something as simple as brushing my teeth made me throw up, when just thinking about eating certain foods would make my stomach hurl, when I had so many food aversions that even eating SOMETHING became difficult, when I started to feel tenderness in my breasts, when I started getting heart burn and acid reflux, when I suddenly became an emotional basket case, I simply couldn‘t run from the truth anymore.

I had to say it out loud.

I AM PREGNANT.

Even so, I still struggled trying to process the magnitude of what that means. Pregnancy.

I must admit, when I first found out, I was not one of those newly expectant mothers who ran to the baby section of the store and started filling my basket with items. Nope. Nor was I one of those newly expectant moms who keeps the pregnancy test to show to the entire world. Not me either. Instead of being overwhelmed with excitement, I was actually filled with fear. I was terrified of this baby growing inside of me. But why?

I guess if you think about it, everything in life takes time. It takes time to feel comfortable with a new friend. It takes time to warm up to a stranger. It takes time to get along with a roommate. And, well…it takes time to move beyond your comfort zone in every facet of life. So I guess having an unexpected pregnancy is much the same. It takes time to process. And faith and honesty. And you know what I found out? That’s okay.

I would go to work day in and day out pretending. Pretending that I was okay when I wasn’t. Pretending that I wasn’t sick. Pretending that I didn’t want to just leave my head in the toilet all day instead of sit at my desk. Pretending that I wanted to go to lunch with a coworker…when in reality I wanted to stay far away from food. Pretending that emotionally I was okay…when really inside I had a crushed and broken spirit.

I even pretended to my friends and family. I pretended to be happy when I wasn’t. I pretended to be okay when I wasn’t. I pretended that everything in my life was peachy keen and grand because I had just graduated with my Masters degree…when really, it wasn’t. I pretended that I was the amazingly strong Kyndra that everyone sees, when really I would sit alone in my apartment and just cry and cry and cry. Cry out to God. Read my Bible with tears in my eyes, the text blurred, the lines unreadable. I even pretended to one of my best friends while doing our Esther Bible study called It‘s Tough Being a Woman. Secretly, as I would go through some of the lessons, I would think…psssttt. It’s tough being a woman doesn’t even BEGIN to describe it. When friends or family would ask me how I was doing, I was quick to say “good” and immediately turn the spotlight back on them and talk about their lives. Their happily ever after. Somehow living vicariously through other people provided a temporary escape from my NOW. If I would just talk about everything and anything….BUT the truth.

Honestly, when I went to my second doctor’s appointment, I was actually overjoyed inside when I stepped on the scale and I hadn’t gained any weight. I was 8 weeks pregnant then. The first time I went to the doctor I was 6 weeks pregnant. At my initial appointment, the doctor did the trans-vaginal ultrasound but couldn’t “find it” remember? He ultimately concluded that I was for sure pregnant, but wanted to get my lab results back to confirm for sure. So I had to go back to the doctor, two weeks later.

So at 8 weeks pregnant, I went back.

As soon as the doctor walked into the room, the first thing he said was, “Well, there is no doubt about it now. You are definitely pregnant! You have HCG, the pregnancy hormone, in your blood.”

He explained that he wanted to do another trans-vaginal ultrasound to see what he could see this time.

So once again, I laid down on that cold, hard table…naked and exposed… and waited. I think I was probably sweating bullets at that moment because I wasn’t sure what I would see. Or what I would think. Or how I would feel.

And then that magical moment happened. The moment when I saw it. A tiny, lima bean looking thing. I was instantly amazed that in just two short weeks, it went from being a speck to an actual visible shape.

As I looked at the screen, I suddenly became freaked out because I saw this small circle thing attached to the lima bean. My heart dropped because I thought something was wrong. The doctor laughed and assured me that no, everything was fine and looked normal, and that the peculiar looking circle “thing” attached was just the yolk sac.

Yolk sac? Humans have yolk sacs in the beginning? Well that beats the heck out of me. Ha. I certainly had no idea what that even meant at the time because I had never felt the need to educate myself on the stages of pregnancy..or how a baby goes from being an embryo…to a fetus…to a real baby.

I thought I was finished, but the doctor wanted to see if he could hear a heart beat yet. SO he put the Doppler on my flat tummy, and that’s when I heard it. Fast beats that were unmistakable. Undeniable. A constant and repetitive thumping.

The heart rate was 167.

That’s when it became real. And that’s when I began to cry. But this time, my tears were tears of amazement. Amazement of the tiny little being forming inside of me. In awe of God’s grace and what He had made.

I had to keep reminding myself that I’m not a teenager anymore. No matter how much of a little girl I felt like on the inside, I was now an adult. A grown up. A woman of God. I was now in my late twenties. 26. Not 15.

For awhile there, I felt like I was doing an injustice to the teenage girl that I was mentoring who was locked up in a juvenile facility for a variety of misdemeanor charges. I felt like a disgrace to her because I was pregnant. How could I inspire her to not make mistakes in her life, when I had made so many in mine?

The only visitor the kids there ever get to have besides their mentors, are their parents..and that is only one day a week. When I always went to visit, my mentee’s face would light up with joy. She couldn’t help but smile. And I couldn’t either. Because I sincerely wanted to make a difference in her life. I wanted to inspire her to be more, to do more. I wanted to push her to establish goals and break the cycle. I wanted her to remember me.

The week after I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t have the energy to go visit her. It was hard to even smile then. So I just didn’t show up. And the next week, when I went to visit her again, she asked me where I had been the week before. I stuttered and stammered trying to think of an excuse. But then I realized that I didn’t really have one. Even though I was dealing with my own inner turmoil, God still wanted to use me for a purpose in her life. And He wasn’t finished yet.

So I just kept praying. I prayed that every week, God would speak through me to her. Even on the days that I didn’t have the words to say or the energy to even smile because of everything that I was dealing with personally. And He did.

The last time I saw her, I told her that I was probably going to be moving away from Houston. I didn’t tell her why of course because I didn’t think it was important for her to know. She was about to get released on good behavior the next week anyway, so it was actually perfect timing. I remember as I walked away from that facility for the last time, I looked back and saw 5 or 6 of the youth with their faces pressed against the glass, smiling and waving at me. Tears in eyes, I smiled and waved back. I have a heart for youth. And I hope that God uses me to make a difference in the lives of youth one day.

I wish I could tell you that it has gotten easier. That life has been better since I revealed my “big secret” to my family and friends. But the truth is, it depends on the day. Moving is hard. Change is never easy. Understanding that I don't have to necessarily give up my goals, but rather, re-route them or put some of them on hold, is tough. Especially after all that I have been through and how hard I have worked to get to where I am. But the real difficulty, is not in any of that. No, the toughest pill to swallow at times, is the mere realization that my life as I have always known it, will change indefinitely on January 26, 2013. Forever.

I will say, though, that I have been incredibly blessed beyond measure by all of the kind words of encouragement, support, prayers, and love that friends, family, and the like, have shown me and Marlon recently. So thank you to those who have reached out. Even when you don't have the words to say, sometimes it's enough to just tell someone, "I am praying for you." That is how God has called us to be as brothers and sisters in Christ. So thank you all.

My mom is completely overjoyed to be a “Grammy” and the rest of my family as well as Marlon’s are all excited, too.

Even if this didn’t happen in the way that I expected it, I have to remind myself that….well, that’s just life sometimes. Life never goes how WE plan it. That’s because at the end of the day, we aren’t really the ones in control. God is.

Before the pregnancy, me and Marlon had been praying strongly for marriage. Praying that God would bless our future marriage beyond what we could ever imagine. We prayed that He would somehow bring us together in the same city, that we wouldn’t have to do long distance anymore. We prayed that we would be the best future husband and wife to each other that we could possibly be. We prayed that our future lives together would be amazingly bright and that we would be better together than we were apart.

We just didn’t know how God would answer that prayer. Or how He would turn a sinful situation into a blessed one.

Psalm 127:3 says that children are a gift from the Lord.

And I believe it. And receive it.

I am now 16 weeks pregnant. I am starting to show a little bit, but it looks more like a beer gut than anything (ha!). No more flat tummy.

We are starting to get excited now and are embracing this blessing whole heartedly.

I couldn’t imagine going through this without Marlon. I mean seriously...look at him.

What's not to love about that handsome face? He is such a strong man of God and has been so encouraging, so supportive, and so prayerful. He always reminds me of what is truly important and who is really in control. And that’s God. He has been there with me through all of this, even when I cry after a funny movie for no reason (yes that really happened) or even when I am so sick that all I want to do is just curl into the fetal position and sulk. He has been incredibly patient with me, as well. Especially when I use pregnancy as an excuse. If I am in a bad mood, it’s because I am pregnant. If I am tired, it is because I am pregnant. If I don’t feel like going somewhere, it’s because I am pregnant. Everything is because I am pregnant ;) lol ;)

So I didn’t get that fairy tale-Cinderella-storybook-virginal ending. And I will not have that wedding where I wear the white dress and it hugs all of the right curves. At least not right now. Nope. The curves that my dress will hug will probably be from the baby and my growing body. But you know what? That’s okay. The most important things in life aren't things. After all, the things of this world will perish. Marlon quickly reminded me of that. In fact, as soon as I whined to him about how my wedding day isn't going to be quite the day that I pictured now, he said, "So? Is that what makes the marriage? What about the people who were married in the Bible? They didn't have all of the stuff that people have today in weddings. You can have all of that "stuff" and a magical fairy tale day..and still end up in divorce." Ah, I love that man. He's right.

I choose to be happy with my RIGHT NOW. Because I chose life over death. I choose to embrace the blessings that God has given me. I choose to love the lover of my soul, the Creator of all that I am. And I choose to love the man of my dreams, Marlon, and this new blessing, baby S,…forever and ever. And the rest of the stuff in between? The what ifs and all of those worries? Well, I am giving it all to God. And I am letting Him use me. Through my imperfections, through my trials, and through my tribulations. Through my honesty. Through my naked exposure of sin. And through this.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” -Matthew 6:34

Until next time,
Kyndra

My Life is Forever Changed.

"There is the crooked that God causes and the crooked that we create for ourselves and God allows. We make mistakes, blunders, messes. We can create disorder, chaos, sadness, and suffering by breaking God's instructions concerning how life is to be lived. Yet He who is in control over all things says, concerning the seemingly crooked that He has made or the crooked we have caused, "All things work together for good to them that love God..."

This is probably the hardest blog I have ever written. I debated on whether or not I should post it, but after much prayer, I have continually felt an incessant tugging at my spirit to post it. So here I am. This makes me very vulnerable, but I suppose I am no more vulnerable than how I have been feeling the last few days..now that my “big secret” is out. I am sure plenty of you have seen a comment or two pop up in your news feed on facebook, maybe even snickered to yourself or had to pick your jaw up off of the ground due to complete and utter shock. When I first found this all out, I worried so much about what other people would say and how I would be judged, but now, quite frankly, I don’t care. I really don’t anymore. I am reminded by scripture that Jesus was condemned in His time, as well, and as Christians in this world, we too, will be persecuted. I prayed and prayed that once this was all “out” that Marlon and I would have an incredible support system and that people would encourage us, lift us up, and pray for us. And so far, that is exactly what has happened. God is good! And now I am starting to get excited. Excited about this new blessing, excited about spending the rest of my life with Marlon, and excited about all that God has in store for us. But, that wasn’t always the case. SO, here is my blog that I wrote in the very beginning…many weeks ago. It is painful, raw, true, and real. Keep that in mind as you read along.

Contraceptives, magazines, music, and media attempt to provide excuses to justify impurities. Every day people are inundated with messages that shout “if it feels good just do it.” What society fails to recognize though, is that there is no such thing as a condom to protect the heart.

And that is why after all the ups and downs and twists and turns in my life, after all of the heart breaks and failed romances, I knew I had to make my relationship with Marlon different. WE , together, decided that we wanted to strive to start our relationship off the right way; God’s way. So, we chose to practice celibacy. We made this choice based upon our faith, God's word, and our strong desire to wait until marriage to share that special moment.

But we weren't perfect. In ONE moment of weakness, our world changed. The enemy was relentless, and one day in early May, we gave into the desires of our flesh. And in that moment everything suddenly changed. We just didn't know it at the time.

Immediately, we both felt guilty. We repented, prayed together, and tried to get back on track with God. And we did. In the interim, we both went back to our normal every day routines. He with work/working out/everything else and me with work and finishing up my Master's program.

As an aside, I am so thankful that we serve a mighty God. A God of opportunity and second chances. Because the minute, no the SECOND, we repent of our sins, we are instantly forgiven. That’s the beauty of His grace. We certainly don’t deserve it, but I am so thankful that He gives it to us anyway!

I had to remind myself of that when it came to letting my own sins go. Because even before I committed my sin, the lamb was already slain. Of course the devil would try to convict me of my sin over and over again in my mind, but I knew better. I knew that I wasn’t bound by what I had done anymore. So that incident had been long erased from my mind. I was already covered by the blood of Jesus, so I didn't need to keep beating myself up over it.

Let it go.

So I did. And everything was fine. For awhile. But I kept thinking to myself, what if I am pregnant?

Immediately, I thought about how silly that thought was to even entertain. How could I be pregnant? I did not believe that there was any way for that to be humanly possible. At ALL.

It’s probably just stress. I told myself. After all, I just graduated, and now I have to find a career job, and then I am going to have to move. Stress. That’s probably what it is.

“Are you okay?” asked one of my friends.

“What is wrong with you?” asked another.

I had been unusually quiet and withdrawn lately, avoiding people, & kind of keeping to myself.

I assured them that I was. But inside, I wasn’t okay. Because in my heart I knew. I had this feeling I couldn‘t shake. A feeling that would not go away.

It was towards the end of the week, a Thursday, I think. I decided that I couldn’t sit around and not know anymore because the feeling of not knowing was worse than knowing once and for all. So I did it. I made a trip to a pharmacy a few miles down the street. A trip that would literally change my life forever.

What kind do I get? Should I get the E.P.T. or chance the off brand? Did I want one test or two tests? I decided the off brand would suffice just fine and that I would definitely need two just in case. Just in case what? I kept battling back and forth in the deep recesses of my mind.

I grabbed the box and shamefully walked to the front counter. The clerk greeted me with a smile and started small talking with me. I tried to crack a smile back, but it was fake and anything but genuine. I watched her lips move but wasn’t listening to the words that she was saying. How could the cashier calmly check me out when my life was about to change forever? Didn’t she have the slightest clue?

I hurriedly left the store and walked to my car with my head down. Did I really just go in there and buy a pregnancy test? Me? Seriously?

The drive back to my apartment seemed forever long. As soon as I opened the door, I headed straight to the bathroom. No one knew that I had the tests. Not even Marlon.

I took a deep breath and cracked open the box, fumbling with the instructions and trying to read along without freaking out. I decided that I would have to do the pee-in-the-cup method because my hands wouldn’t stop shaking long enough to steadily hold the little white stick.

I held my breath and dipped the test.

What if…..?

Before the test was even fully submerged, I saw it. Those two little blue lines. And I froze. That moment is forever emblazoned in my mind. Because time stopped. I couldn't blink. I felt sick. Nauseated, even.

That can't be right. It must be a mistake. I tore open the second test and dunked it. Positive again. How could this be?

I was 26, unmarried, and had just graduated with my Masters degree. I wasn’t even in my career yet or where I wanted to be in life. This has to be a joke.

For several days I pretended as if that day had never happened, as if it was just some figment of my expansive imagination. I tossed and turned in bed at night for days on end..thinking that maybe, just maybe this was all just a bad dream that I would soon wake up from..that I would soon return back to my state of "normal."

Falling fast, the feeling of overwhelming confusion and shock. The fear of responsibility. Fear of time. Fear of change. Fear of judgment. What will my friends think? What will my family think? What will people say? I just graduated. I can't be a mom. I'm not ready. Not now. Not yet. Not til Marlon and I are married!

I had worked hard to make my life “look perfect.” I had a check list and a to-do list for everything. I wore my badges of college honors graduate…and now Masters degree graduate with honor. I prided myself for being a person that other people could look up to.

And then, at 26, I committed the “ultimate sin:“ a pregnancy out of wedlock. And I was a devout Christian at that. Sure, an unplanned pregnancy may be fine if you happen to be Kim Kardashian. But in the real world of stigmas and stereotypes, being unmarried and pregnant is not exactly a glamorous thing.

Reality is different.

Reality is judgment, reality is the assumption that brains and pregnancy do not co-exist, reality is the moment when you realize that you can’t tie a pretty red bow on this one or make it go away.

I felt as if my world had suddenly collapsed, as if I couldn’t accomplish my dreams. The thought of achieving my goals had just been flushed down the toilet. Everything I worked towards, was gone. Meaningless. Panic, Hysteria. Shock.

Then, the guilt crept in. Guilt is a God-given feeling, which brings our mistakes and faults to the forefront of our minds. It is a bitter reminder of our sins and bad choices, exposing our straying away from God's intended path for our future. Shame, on the other hand, is not from God.

While guilt can convict us to repent and confess our sins to receive God's forgiveness, shame drives us away from Him into more darkness. Shame can fool you into thinking that you are too far away for God's loving embrace.

And in that moment, the shame of this whole situation was too much to bear. The enemy was winning. Not because he is more powerful than God, but because I was letting him.

I was angry. This isn't fair, God. Out of ALL the times that WE chose the right thing, out of all the times that we DIDN'T give in to the desires of our flesh, the one time we do...this is what happens? How is that fair, God?

Then I started comparing myself to other people…something you shouldn’t do (but in the heat of the moment, I did it anyway). Why did this happen to me, God? How is it fair that the very people who will probably judge me…have had sex themselves (before marriage) and the only reason they DIDN’T get pregnant like me..is because they took birth control? Or the morning after pill? How is it fair that some people took the “easy way out” and chose death over life by having an abortion? Tell me, God, how is that fair?

Silence. No answer.

I felt so disconnected. After all, this unidentified human set up shop in MY BODY completely uninvited. The nausea, the morning sickness, the surge of hormones, all of the changes. I didn’t sign up for it.

I felt so alone. Marlon was there, and I was here. And no one knew. Who could I tell? I hadn’t even accepted it yet. How could I possibly open up to anyone else, when I couldn’t even deal with it myself?

Fast forward to my first doctor's appointment. Marlon went with me.

My doctor came in and the first thing he said was, “Congratulations on your surprise!”

How could he possibly be congratulating me right now? This didn’t exactly feel like the cake-eating, balloon throwing, aw-you-shouldn’t-have surprise. It was more of the ohmygod-this-can’t-be-happening, not-yet-not-now surprise.

“You may feel some coldness and a little bit of pressure.“
Blah. Blah. Blah. Whatever you say…just get it over with already!
And just like that, it happened. They were doing the trans-vaginal ultrasound. He explained to me that the TV monitor on the wall wasn’t working, so I would have to sort of sit up a bit to try to see.

He looked around on the screen..and I looked, too. “I don’t see anything,” he said.

Well, I don’t either! See! I knew I wasn’t pregnant! I knew this was all just a dream!

He kept moving the wand around. “Ah-ha! There it is! It was hiding.”

I looked at the monitor. I still didn’t see what he was talking about. I mean, yeah, I saw this tiny little speck, thing, but that could be anything, right?

The nurse printed off the ultra sound picture and handed it to me.

I must have looked at that picture a hundred times while the nurse took 6 tubes of blood to run 123412341234 tests. Prenatal tests, she called them. But I still couldn’t process it. I kept staring at the photo. It was blank. There was nothing visible and certainly not anything that even remotely resembled an embryo.

And then I blanked out.

I walked out of that doctor’s office with Marlon trailing behind me, calling my name, asking me if I was okay. I abruptly pressed the down button for the elevator. No, I’m not okay, I thought. And then the tears fell. Hard. Painfully hard. Not the tears that you cry when you watch a good lovey dovey chick flick with a happily-ever-after ending. No. These were the kind of tears that you cry when you feel as though your world is about to collapse, when your heart feels completely broken and in pieces, when your life feels like it is in shambles. It’s the kind of cry that is seemingly impossible to recover from. And those tears? They kept falling. Like a water fall, staining my face, smearing my mascara, blurring my vision. For days. For weeks. And I just couldn’t make them stop.

Don't Quit

So one of today's devotionals that I got via email was just too perfect to NOT share. So here goes:

"I know some of you are ready to give up and quit. Some mountain is standing between you and the dream you thought was sure to become a reality. You think God has lost track of where you are and what you are going through. He hasn’t, girlfriend.

I know you don’t understand why a loving God would allow so much pain to saturate this broken world and perpetuate such loss and hurt. I don’t either. But God’s ways are so much higher than my ways, and His thoughts are for my eternal good – not my temporary comfort. I am banking on eternity. I am counting on the character of God and His heart of unconditional, unmerited and undeserved love. God’s forgiveness gives me the strength to get out of bed each morning, and His peace is my comfort in the dark, lonely night. Like you, I sometimes ask God why He has allowed a circumstance to exist. I have questioned His favor and allowed fear and worry to make me doubt His plan. And I have to tell you that I can now look back and see so many of the question marks yanked into exclamation points in my life. I am so thankful that He said “no” to so many of the prayers I desperately wanted Him to answer with “yes.” He is God. He is able and He is more than enough.

No matter where you are today, know He is with you and that His heart is for you. Don’t quit. He is not angry with you. You are His daughter, the apple of His eye and His cherished child. Don’t give up. Right now, surrender all of your pain to Him. Shed your tears, knowing He will collect them all and one day pour them back into your life as a refreshing rain of restoration and healing. Keep going. Ask your questions, knowing Heaven is not in a panic and that your God really is who He says He is and will do what He has promised to do. He simply waits for you to trust Him."

Can I get an AMEN?!!!! Not sure about you, but that is exactly what I needed to hear today!!!!!! Here is a scripture for affirmation:

“So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.” -Galatians 6:9

Ever feel like God just doesn't remember where you live anymore? Like...it's almost as if He has literally forgotten your home address? What you drive? What you look like? LOL As if He doesn't even know you? Well...those are all LIES! Lies..straight from the devil. Because we know that God's word tells us He is with us ALWAYS. However, we also know that the devil is relentless. The Bible tells us that he only wants to kill, steal, & destroy. The devil may be strong, BUT GOD.....ohhhh BUT GOD....He is stronger!!!!! Keep fighting the fight. Hang in there. If it's not happy, it's not the end. God is NOT finished yet!!!!! SO DON'T QUIT!!!

I have to remind myself of that some days...especially on days like today. Some of you may know this, and others may not...but I am mentor for a program called Crossroads Community Partnership for Youth. Basically, the purpose of the program is to prevent or reduce youth involvement with the juvenile justice system by fostering positive relationships between youth and volunteer mentors. Too many times, youth offenders have limited contact with positive adult role models with whom they can form/sustain meaningful relationships...which is why it is important to have a positive role model/mentor! So that's where I step into the mix!

Let me tell you, it has been a challenging journey. There are some days where I don't even feel like going over to the juvenile facility because I don't always see immediate progress. Some days I feel like I am talking to a brick wall and getting no where fast.

When I walk into the place, I often see several young teenage girls with tattoos on their necks...some of them (as young as 13!) walking around all hard, with bad attitudes. But when you get past that tough outer shell & take time to get to know them, get to know their story, where they came from, their family background, etc....you find out they aren't really as hardcore as they think they are or act like. I will not go into specifics about the girl I mentor or her family background, but let me just say..it's a bad one. She has been through some horrible things that little girls should not have to go through. In the same token, though, she has also made some bad decisions that have gotten her where she is at today. Tonight was an exhausting night trying to get through to her, but I really feel like today was the most progress I have ever made. I asked God to empower me to have the right words to say, and I believe that He did. For those of you who know me, you know that I keep it real with folks. So believe me when I tell you, that I definitely tell her like it is. I don't sugar coat it. I tell the REAL DEAL.

I have a special place in my heart for youth, and I sincerely feel like God is going to use me somehow, someway in that area. I don't know how yet, but I just feel that tugging at my heart. Anyway, I just want to encourage whoever is reading this....to get involved in your community...through whatever avenues that you see fit. Just think about how you spend your time now. How much time do you waste on Facebook or Twitter? Watching TV? Reading senseless books? Watching ridiculous movies? Working out? Going out? God did not create a spirit of average-ness in you...so you could just sit at home on the couch day in and day out when you get off of work and do nothing. There are so many volunteer opportunities out there. Get involved. Make a difference. Touch the life of another person. Let God use your talents and abilities. And then be amazed.

Ready...set....GO!

What book should I read next?

I've seen that question posed so many times on my facebook. And the most popular answer that people give is "50 Shades of Grey." Now, I have never read the book trilogy (nor do I have any want or desire to do so). Personally, I am not usually one to jump onto band wagons of what the world likes or recommends. I usually exercise my own indepedent judgment and thinking on things and stray away from all of that. As a disclaimer, though, I am not saying that there is necessarily ALWAYS something wrong with giving into the latest "craze" or "hype" in America. Case in point: the iPad. Pretty legit craze if you ask me. And my sweet boyfriend got me one for Valentines when it first came out. But I digress. :) Anyway...so if jumping onto bandwagons like some of you Miami Heat fans...(teehee)...if that's your thing, cool. But it's not mine. I realize I have a lot of friends who have read the book, are reading it now, are curious about reading it, etc. I also realize that everyone is entitled to their own opinions (just like I am mine..which is why I am writing this blog..which is why if you don't like it...well..then...maybe you might want to stop reading it now) hehehe :)

However, seeing this common response of book recommendations...made me start thinking of a different response. A more appropriate response. A response that I feel compelled to say. To ask even. Why isn't the answer more often "THE BIBLE?" That's a book that has been around for forever...a book that is our instruction manual for life. God's word. Everything we need to know about life, living, faith, hope, love, EVERYTHING...it's in there. Feeling down? Open the Bible. Need some encouragement? Open the Bible. Want to see what God says about how you are supposed to live? Open the Bible. It's all in there. And it's a book that you can read 1234123412341 times...and I promise you that EVERY TIME...you will get something different from it. Every time.

So why do I care about this book, 50 Shades of Grey? Why do I even mention it when I have no desire to read it? Well, for several reasons. First, I do not want you to mistake something so potentially dangerous as innocent. I do not want to see Satan use something as innocent as a book and slowly fade into black! To you, it is just a book....to Satan, it is a device or tool to use against your life. When you read, you paint images in your head, and those images stick. Just like pornographic images. Satan can bring those images back to your mind no matter how hard you want to leave them in the book. The desires of the flesh are strong. Powerful. Hard to say no to at times. Reading something with sexual content can put lust in your heart and your mind.

Sound silly? Think about it. Satan uses many tools to reach out to people in this world...to plant thoughts in their minds...to put seeds of doubt in their hearts..in their marriages..etc. And one of those ways...can be through a book. A movie. TV. Internet. Magazines. You name it. The devil can use any one of those mechanisms. Or ALL of them.

Why do you think God made it clear to us through his servant Paul, "And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise"? Because He knows our hearts. But guess what...Satan knows our hearts, too. And if we aren't focused on the things of God we can end up in a slow fade....into 50 shades of grey....into black...into a life of sin...a life that leads to death.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

The things of this world WILL fade away. That is a guaranteed fact. One day...it will all be gone.

One of the scariest Bible verses to me (as a kid) was this one: “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. Many will say to Me in that day, ‘Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?’ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!" -Matthew 7:21-23

Essentially, that verse means...just because you THINK you are saved...just because you have done good deeds....think again. Re-examine your life. Your decisions. And your salvation. What if God said to you...depart from me, I never knew you? Scary, scary. Suddenly the things of this world aren't so important anymore, huh?

After all, if our salvation means so much, if this world is only temporary, if there are no runways in Heaven, no things of this world in Heaven, then why don't we devote more time to reading the word..instead of reading the trash of this world? -Just a thought

So what if you have read 50 Shades of Grey? That doesn't mean you're a bad person. And I am not judging you. Because really, who am I, an imperfect, messed up, sinner myself, to judge YOU? Lord knows I make mistakes every day. Thank God for His grace & mercy! At the end of the day, you are your own person and you can make your own decisions to do what you want. All I am saying...is just be careful what you invite into your life. It could be an invitation for destruction.

"Trust an unknown future to a KNOWN God!"

Heyyyyy! I haven't blogged in awhile, and I said I was going to regularly blog. Oops. MB! (my bad). So here is a brief update on the happenings in my neck of the woods.

I went to New Orleans for a little weekend get away trip with my honey. We had a blast! We stayed at the cutest bed & breakfast (seriously y'all!). The house was built in 1865, and was well preserved and completely French inspired with all the decor and antique furniture. Loved it! It was also only a few blocks away from the French Quarter..so walking distance! We were completely blown away by the hospitality that we received there. The breakfast every morning was amazing (one morning we had home-made waffles with fresh fruit) & the next morning it was pecan praline french toast casserole from scratch! Talk about deeeee-lish! We also took a little trip to the zoo, and I got to pet an elephant! I was so excited. They feel like wrinkly leather with hair..kind of weird..but it was neat nonethless! We also took a trip down to the Ninth Ward which is where Hurricane Katrina hit and caused the most damage in New Orleans. We went and visited a cemetery, as well. You're probably thinking..uhhh...what? A cemetery?!!! Yeah..well in New Orleans, the burial plots are shallow because the water table is high. So if a person were to dig a few feet down, a grave would become soggy & instantly start filling with water. That would, in turn, make the casket float! So...instead people decided to make the graves above ground tombs to tackle that problem. They often refer to the cemeteries there as the "cities of the dead" because they kind of resemble little villages or something in a way..with all of the statues and crosses and such. Pretty crazy. I tried boudin for the first time (not a fan) and I also tried alligator (wasn't a fan either). All in all though, we had a blast & it was definitely a nice get away for the both of us.

Spring break...came and went. I can't believe it was my last official spring break ever in life...lol. I didn't get to relax or enjoy it though..because I had to go to Atlanta for work. The whole trip was super last minute..but I ended up going. I worked 65 hours during the week and slept very little. On the upside, I got to stay in the Ritz Carlton (which may be the only time in life I ever stay there...LOL) It was such a nice hotel..and the staff and everyone there were so polite and friendly! And the room was very comfortable, to say the least. Also, (and the best part about the entire trip of all..) I got to see one of my best friends...Monica! She lives in Charlotte, NC which is only about 3.5 to 4 hours from Atlanta...so she drove down & stayed two nights with me! I flew out to Atlanta on a Monday and she got there within a few hours of my arrival..so we were able to chat and catch up on everything. The next night we went to an amazing, stylish and contemporary restaurant in mid-town Atlanta. Every single dish that we ordered was HEAVEN. Seriously..it was so so SO good..I thought I was going to have to be rolled out of there because I was so full!

The whole Atlanta trip experience..made me realize what a lonely lifestyle that would be...yet so many people do it. Lots of people choose money over their family (which is fine if that's more important to you) but that lifestyle just wouldn't be for me. I don't see how someone can work 65 or 70 hours in a week..travel and be away from their family...all for the Benjamin$$. Getting wined and dined in the process is no exchange or recompense for precious time with the people you love..in my opinion!

It was SO good to see Mon..words cannot explain! I can't believe we have been friends since freshman year of college. Time flies! But in all seriousness, I couldn't imagine my life without her friendship. She is truly a blessing! Seeing her and catching up, was definitely much needed...especially because I feel so lonely here in Houston. It's kind of weird because yes I know some people that do live here in Houston and have some friends that live here, as well. However, I feel like I am secluded in my own world because I live on the opposite side of Houston (from them) and our lifestyles are drastically different. I work full time AND go to grad school full time...which takes away a significant amount of free time from my schedule. Also, on the occasion that I am free, since I commute to downtown Houston every day for work..sometimes the last thing I want to do is drive to Houston again to meet up & do something. I'm just too tired by the weekend! And..even if I am up for doing something...some of my friends are all boo'ed up and in love..and I don't want to be a third wheel! Unfortunately, my boyfriend doesn't live here in Houston...so he can't always keep me company either. So because of all of that...I often spend a lot of time alone. Ironically, though, my alone-ness has actually been a blessing in disguise..because in my almost two years here..I have learned what being independent is all about. I have always worked and paid for my own things, so that's not the type of independence that I am talking about. What I mean, is that I have had to learn to tackle this world on my own. I don't have family down the street..or a friend next door that can help me. I have to figure it out myself. I had to find my own way..figure out how to get to/from places...navigate around...ect. At the end of the day..I had to learn how to be secure enough in myself..happy enough with myself...to find my own activities to do. I learned that it's okay to go to a movie by yourself..it's okay to go on a shopping adventure by yourself...it's okay to just be alone. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be alone all the time..lol..but I have learned to be content in myself..instead of being one of those extra needy people that has to be around someone all the time. I give all the glory to God, though, because when I first moved here, there were lots of tears that were shed. There were many tears of loneliness..cries of desperation...feelings of frustration because I was lost or didn't know how to get somewhere. And the feeling of being alone..the agonizing silence that I experience day after day when I come home...those were times that I leaned on God instead. I could have felt sorry for myself..but instead I used that time to grow more..and to read more of the word. I also do a devotional every night with Marlon on the phone or via skype. Even though we are far apart, we have grown so close spiritually together. It's so awesome seeing God at work!!!! People often ask me how we make long distance work..and I will tell you that besides all of the plane tickets (lol) it mostly has to do with God and the fact that we have made Him the center of our relationship. Our relationship is wearing the armor of God..so when the enemy tries to attack us..we are ready!

Anyway, I have grown so much since I left law school and Lubbock. It's amazing to me because I remember back then..thinking I WAS GROWN! haha. I guess the "twenties years" are a lot about growth and change...working through awkwardness..independence...and finding your niche in this world. I can finally say that I am well on my way! I graduate May 19th...and I feel like it is coming so fast. It's a day that I have waited for..worked for..for forever it seems like...and it's finally almost here. I prayed for this day..hoped for this day...wished for this day..and now all of my hard work is coming to fruition. I almost wish I could make time stop for a little bit..just because I feel a little afraid. I know it's silly..but I kind of do. I feel like my whole life has depended/revolved around school..and now that I am finally going to be finished...what will that mean? I reflected on this today..and read this Bible verse..which calmed me and gave me peace.

“But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in You. I praise God for what He has promised. I trust in God, so why should I be afraid?” (Psalm 56:3-4, ESV)

So true. Of course it's easier said than done..but oh when we do it...it's amazing the peace that we feel! God is in complete control of my life and I know that He has something great in store for me! He isn't just preparing me for IT..He is preparing IT for me!!!! I can't wait to see what that "IT" is. I have no idea what I will be doing after graduation just yet...but me and Marlon have prayed about it for almost an entire year (seriously!). So I know God is going to open up some big doors. I have been applying to many jobs lately..and luckily none of my apps have been rejected..they are just "under review." The process for working at a government job is such a...well..PROCESS!

How many of you are anxious about your future? Fearful even? Do you live in the present moment...but let your mind travel years from now..spending more time on the what ifs that you forget the what nows? I know that I am guilty as charged..haha..."But I am trusting you, O LORD, saying, ‘You are my God!’ My future is in your hands.” Psalms 31:14-15 (NLT)

I heard a quote once...that you can "Trust an unknown future to a KNOWN God!" Ammmennn! God already has it all mapped out...so stop worrying..stop letting the devil make you question how it is all going to work out. Instead, let God direct your paths..and give your worries to Him. He's got the rest. :) I can't wait to see what God has in store for my life! And also..in YOURS! :)

Things that make ya go HMMM...

What a week! I started back to school on Tuesday (my last semester...YEAHHH!) I was so not looking forward to coming back after the holidays, but at the same time I was desperately ready to go back so that I can zip through this semester & hurry up & graduate. My classes are definitely going to be a lot of work. A LOT. OF. WORK. I am not writing a thesis for my masters; instead, I am taking a class in which we have to write a paper (& get it ready for publication to a major criminological journal!) & also do a project in a neighborhood in Houston. Once I have chosen my neighborhood, I have to go to the Homeowner's Association meetings, find out as much as I can about the area, examine crime statistics, the what, where, why, what has worked to prevent such crime from occuring, what hasn't worked, what things are in place to help prevent it in the future, and so on. SIDENOTE**I may need to take a shank with me..pepper spray..or other weaponry..haha. We get to PICK our neighborhood..but it can't be the same as anyone else's..& it has to be on the "Super Neighborhood" list. SOOO hopefully I get a legit neighborhood that isn't TOO unsafe. Anyway..so after that's all squared away, I have to come up with a plan to combat the crime problem for the next three years within that neighborhood...& it must be supported with research & theory, of course. I also have to do two presentations for that class..& several more drafts of my paper..& I also have a mid-term & a final. That's just ONE class. The other class is criminological research & statistics..& we have to do all statistics computations by HAND. Ugh. Gag me. I am SO not a math person. So I am definitely not looking forward to that either. My last class is an independent study class which is the Innocence Project of Texas. We are working on lots of neat projects for that, as well, so that will definitely be plenty to keep me busy, too. All of that...AND a full time job. Yeah buddy. Oh & did I mention that I also have ALL A's? You have no idea how proud that makes me..to see my hard work coming to fruition. All I can say is GOD IS GOOD...ALL THE TIME!

I have really been thinking long & hard about the future. I do think that I will probably go back to school eventually & get my PhD..just not NOW. I am so ready to get out into the real world & just live life for a little while. I've been in school for forever it seems..because, well, quite frankly, I have. Between undergraduate, my brief stint with law school, & then graduate school..it has been monotonous & continuous! And I have definitely been through a lot in those years. Don't believe me? Well..take a trip down memory lane & read some of my very first blogs EVER from a few years ago. You might be surprised. That girl back then..is a stranger to me now. I don't even know who she is. That's how much I have changed. That's how much God has done. And the beautiful thing? He's not finished yet! He's JUST getting started people!

I must say that it feels so good to have so many encouraging people in my corner...so many wonderful brothers and sisters of mine in Christ. You never know the magnitude of your words..& just how far they go for a person. Remind yourself of that often; someone could be having the WORST possible day on the earth..& your words determine whether their day continues to be that way or not. You could possibly change it & turn it all around. So thank you for all of the people that love & support me & want to see me prosper in life!

Okay so..now for a brief disclaimer before I get into the real inspiration...the "meat & potatoes" of my blog. First, I am not sure exactly HOW many people read this or even if it is worth me writing. I try to share my link on facebook..just for the simple fact that I know some people do like to read it for sure & keep up with me. So for the other 24927349823490234 who don't..well..sorry bout it. lol.

And also for some of you who are probably doing the eye roll when you read my blog..especially when I mention "all that God stuff..." well...I'm not sorry. Because without God I wouldn't be who I am or where I am. I cannot even tell you how much I have grown in my faith over the last few years. But especially now. My boyfriend and I do a devotional together every night before bed time. I also do a women's devotional on my own & read the Bible alongside with it. I go to church..& when I don't..I watch it online. I'm not saying those things to brag; because none of those things are what save me. But they have helped me grow in my relationship. Tremendously. I remember way back when..I used to think that I just couldn't fathom how some people do that kind of stuff all the time. That kind of stuff refers to doing things like church, reading the bible, praying about everything while worrying about nothing, doing devotionals, ect. I just didn't understand their dedication..or their want to do all of those things. Until I got older. And that's when I realized..how could you not? God loved us so much that He gave His only son..the ultimate sacrifice. How could you not want to know Him more..seek Him more? Become more like Him?

Recently, I have seen a video surfacing around titled "Why I hate religion, but love Jesus." Not gonna lie..it's pretty compelling & thought provoking. It's one of those things that you listen to..that makes you go HMMM. I've seen a lot of people on facebook posting it & reposting it...& about a thousand JILLION people "liking it." So I wanted to share my thoughts.

First, I think a quote that someone once said..sums it up best: "Let your religion be less of a theory and more of a love affair." That is to say that people need to stop focusing so much on the differences between Methodist, Baptist, Protestant, Catholic, ect. & start focusing on the one thing that matters the most: God. The problem occurs when people get the wrong idea that it is in doing those things (doing good works, going to church reguarly, ect.) that they achieve God's favor or salvation, because those are things that only happen through the grace of Jesus alone. You could go to church your entire life..and still go to hell when you die. That's the truth.

However, Jesus loves the church. It says that time and time again in the Bible. So I think a lot of people have gone off the deep end with this whole video..thinking that religion & the church are BAD entirely. Which is not true. That's what the devil would have you to believe though.

Not sure about any of you - but without church in my life...I CAN TELL A DIFFERENCE. Without church..I stop reading the word as much..hearing the word as much..stop praying as much, ect. Church brings it all back home. Being in a place where you can PRAISE Him & a place that helps you grow makes all the difference. Is every church perfect? No. Are there hypocrites out there? Yes. Is everyone who goes to church actually SAVED by the blood of Jesus Christ? No. Sadly, there are a lot of people who go to church..but who aren't actually Christians. It's like that saying.."going to church doesn't make you a Christian..anymore than standing in your garage makes you a car." So true. The devil can get into the church..just like he can get into anything else. And he does. Just look around you.

It's an awfully sad and cold world out there. I definitely could not even begin to understand all of the complexities of the Bible..without something to aid me on the journey..church, fellowship with believers, ect. I heard one person say that "to love Jesus and hate religion completely...is like the equivalent to calling upon a doctor and smashing all of his instruments when he arrives." Let that marinate.

Anddddd that's all I have to say about that. I am not here to start a religious debate with anyone..nor do I wish to go back & forth with anyone in regards to the matter. I am just sharing my thoughts. :)

Until next time...
Blessings!
Kyndra

New Year: Another Chance

Well it's a new year and has been for 2 whole weeks now. Praise God that we made it this far to see yet ANOTHER unpromised year..because the new year represents many things: change, opportunities, new life, and most importantly ANOTHER CHANCE to get life right. Think about that for a minute. Statistics say that by January 30th...most people's new years resolutions have dissipated. I was listening to a church sermon on Tuesday night..& in the sermon, the pastor posed this question: What is driving you?

It sounds like a fairly simple question, right? But not if you really think about it. Meditate on it. Reflect on it. And most importantly, examine yourself. In his sermon, he basically said this: That the one thing that the devil wants among other things from you...is your drive; your passion; your determination. Why? Well, for many reasons. First, Romans 12:11 says this: Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Well..what does spiritual fervor mean? That means your drive, passion, and determination! So in other words, God doesn't want you to lose that! So when you sit around and leave your spiritual life to rot and allow the spirit of laziness to creep in, you aren't advancing yourself, you are just stuck right where you are. You lack your drive and determination! This is not good because there is a lot that God wants to do with you. God wants to USE you..but He can't because you have no drive or determination to seek Him out. Ever heard the adage, "An idle mind is the devil's workshop?" It has relevance!

COUCH POTATO. We have all heard that term. Maybe even used it. Couch potato, couch potato, COACH POTATO! It sounds funny. (*On a random note..do you ever hear words paired together & wonder how in the HECK someone came up with that term or word usage? Like..why a couch & a potato? Why not a couch tomato? Or a couch apple? Okay maybe that's just me...nevermind.) But..the term applies to someone that is lazy. Well what about a couch potato Christian? Are you one of them? I just came up with that term, so bear with me.

I personally know first hand what it means to struggle with the spirit of laziness. I think we all have struggled with fighting that spirit at some point or another in our lives. In fact, some of you that are reading this may be struggling with it RIGHT NOW. Your prayer life and time spent in God's word, if it exists at all, is routine and dry. If you drag yourself out of bed on Sunday morning to go to church, you go just to say that you went. You attend the service out of habit. You're so busy with the "rat race of life" that the thought of using the gifts that God has given you for His advancement..to bless other people..ect. is unimaginable. You're "too tired" to pray at night..."too tired" to read the Bible..."too busy" to go to church.."too busy" to have a relationship..."too caught up in the NOW" that you push it all off until tomorrow. Your mind is fleeting, and all you can envision is that nap that you can't wait to take when you get off of work. And then your thoughts. Ahhh your thoughts. The Bible says as a man thinketh, so is he. So what is another thing that happens when you are spiritually lazy? Well the devil gets a hold of your thoughts! Because he knows that if he can make you believe something, then you won't get anything done..& God won't be able to do what He wants to do in your life.

SO "you have to kill this spirit of procrastination..because the spirit of procrastination is the assassination of progress," as Pastor J says.

So I will ask you again...WHAT IS DRIVING YOU? Is it money? Fame? Is it popularity? Is it power? Is it having the best car..the hottest purse..the most coveted shoes...the fanciest house on the block? WHAT IS IT? God has given you another chance to make things right in your life by giving you the year 2012. So why not make a change today? Because you might not make it to tomorrow! And last time I checked..you can't take an iPad, a Range Rover, a Louis Vuitton purse, Christian Louboutin red bottom shoes, a Michael Kors watch, or anything else that is "in" on this earth...TO HEAVEN!

LET THE CHURCH SAY AMEN. Okay..so now that my sermon is over. hahaha. I will fill you in on the happenings of my life. If. you. care.

I had promised that I would get better about blogging, but the holidays were upon me and I fell off a bit. So sorry. Actually, I'm not..because I loved my holidays and time off from work. But anyway! Okay so..in a nutshell..here were my holidays/events leadings up to them:

Thanksgiving: I cooked my first ever Thanksgiving feast! That's right..this girl right here made a turkey ALL BY MYSELF!!!


I also made the cornbread for the dressing..pumpkin pie from scratch...pumpkin roll..cherry cobbler..green bean casserole..ect. When my mom, sisters, and boyfriend got here..there wasn't much preparation that needed to be done in the kitchen because I had done most of it. I'm not going to lie..I was super proud. FIST PUMP! But hey..I will say this. PROPS out to all you people who host Thanksgivings at your house year after year. Because it is a lot of work. AND A LOT OF MONEY. I don't think I have ever bought that many food items at the store at one time before...ever in my life. I felt like I was feeding an army. Okay so not really...but kind of. Anyway...I had a lot of fun with my family & boyfriend. He drove all the way to Houston with them in the car..& also my mom's dog Peanut came along. It was a good time had by all.

Early December: One of my good friends from college came to the H to visit! Rosabel! We had so much fun together..she is such a ray of sunshine. We went to dinner, did Christmas shopping for our boyfriends & watched some girlie chick flickie movies & caught up with each other. It was so much fun to see her! Love her!


Right before Christmas: I had a sleepover with some of the best girls ever! More good friends from college! Monica, Kelly, Sara, & Cara! We went to dinner & another super awesome girlfriend from college..Kayli.. came along for the dinner portion. So fun! Then afterwards, the group minus Kayli came back to my house & we made Christmas cookies, listened to Christmas music, & caught up. I am so blessed to know such awesome Christian women. Love them! *I don't have a picture from that night..the one picture I did have was on my phone before it decided to reset itself & I therefore lost it...so here is another picture instead..with those girls in it :)**


Christmas: I flew to Amarillo to see my boyfriend..& then we spent time with his family.

As soon as the clock struck midnight signaling that it was now CHRISTMAS DAY, me and Marlon exchanged our Christmas presents with each other. We were like litle kids. Or maybe it was just me. I seriously couldn't wait for him to open up my presents! I have found that the older I have gotten, the more excited I am for OTHER PEOPLE to see what I got them..rather than actually receiving something myself. It's so much fun! My man hooked me up & did a dang good job on my gifts. Love him. And he really liked all the gifts that I got him, too. Christmas day it was snowing in Amarillo.

We didn't let that stop us though. We got on the road & drove down to Tahoka to spend time with my mom, grandma, sisters, and uncle.






It was good to see them & exchange gifts with them also. I love my family.

The next day, me and Marlon were on the road making the long drive back to Houston. Seriously it is the longest drive ever. Don't believe me? Try it. It's horrible.

Marlon stayed with me all the way until January 2nd. What a sweetheart. :) I had to have a gynecological surgery on December 28th. It was an outpatient surgery..so I wasn't there long..but apparently I was there long enough to rack up $11,900 in hospital expenses. Good thing I have insurance? Except..I still had to pay $1100 out of pocket to meet my deductible..& then after that my insurance is 80/20 (if you don't know what that means..that means that my insurance pays 80% & I pay the remaining 20% until I meet my out of pocket maximum of $3000..at which point the insurance would cover me fully). SO basically I am still gonna have to pay some more moolah after already paying $1100. Ridic. This was my first surgery ever before in life..so I was quite shocked about how problematic ($$$) the health care system really is. If you weren't born with a silver spoon in your mouth or don't have a mommy & daddy to foot your bill..then you're stuck paying it..or you just don't get the surgery/procedure done..or you do but are left with 1923419234192349123491234 dollars in debt. Yet people in America get ticked off when a president tries to come in & make the system better. Sorry people..but what we have isn't working that great..so SOMETHING has to change. Don't know what the answer is or if there ever will be one..but I find something wrong with the U.S. scoring lower than other countries when it comes to access to health care. (Don't believe me? Look it up!)

I don't like to put people's business all "out on the street," but I just have to take a moment to brag about my amazing boyfriend. He is a SELF-LESS individual. So kind hearted, sweet spirited, God fearing. He is always thinking about other people. Every single person that I have met that knows him..whether its his family, friends, or people from his church..all have nothing but POSITIVE things to say about him. And everyone who has met him..loves him. He is like a magnet; people are attracted to his positivity, optimism, bubbly personality, and the God filled life that he leads. I remember when I first woke up from my surgery, looking a hot mess, all frazzled and confused still from the anesthesia. Here I'll post a picture:





Not to be graphic, but when I woke up from surgery, I was naked underneath my hospital gown with only a pad in between my legs. I had to be there super early that morning for the surgery..so I didn't have makeup on...and, to be honest, I don't even think I brushed my hair. In fact, I'm sure of it. haha.

So as I lay there..fluttering my eyes open, trying to figure out why I have a diaper thing underneath me...you know what he told me at that very moment? He told me I was beautiful. Now, I know that may seem small..but that sticks with me. Why you ask? Because THAT is a man that will stay by me through the good, the bad, & the ugly...when I am at my BEST and I am at my WORST. A man who will love me whether I am 10lbs heavier than I am now..or 10lbs smaller. A man who is attracted to my INNER spirit as well as my outside apperance. It's amazing because that is exactly what I prayed for so long ago, among many things. I prayed that God would bring me a future husband that was the epitome of a Bible Christian husband..someone who would love me like Christ loved the church..unconditionally...someone who would love me when I am puking over the toilet & instead of being grossed out, would instead, pull my hair back. Someone who would always be there and have my best interest in mind. And someone who would love God more than they love "this moment" and therefore would stand WITH me in my decision to choose to wait until marriage to bring sex into our relationship. Someone who is MARLON. All I can say is I am THANKFUL. GRATEFUL. AND IN CONSTANT AWE OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR. For He has truly blessed me!

Alright...so I am getting off of my Marlon soapbox now. And onto the last holiday we celebrated...New years!

New years eve was our one year anniversary. Pretty big deal in my book. And in his. We had a nice, delicious, romantical dinner




& went out to Kemah Boardwalk which is on Galveston bay..afterwards.

It was nice. But when all of the bad kids started showing up and it started getting crowded, we had to bounce. So we went back to my house, and toasted to some Apple Cider at midnight..before soon falling asleep.




Recovery wise..I needed a few days before I felt okay. Although that whole first week was pretty not-so-fun. I am so thankful that he was there with me during that time. I think it's times like those..when you are at your lowest point, that God reveals the people in your life that are always in your court...always on your side...people who have your best interest in mind. Now..lets note that not EVERYONE who you call "your friend" is FOR you. Jesus had people that were following him..that weren't FOR Him either. So lets just say..in more ways than one...that the people who really care about me...made themselves known during that time. I also received the sweetest card from a dear sweet woman that I admire very much. She is such a strong Christian Proverbs type woman. I won't name names..but SHE knows who she is! Thank you for being a role model to me & helping bring me to Christ as a small child. You helped to plant the seed of faith in my heart..& now look where I am now! And thank you to everyone else who is always there for me..through the good & the bad. God has blessed me with some pretty awesome people here on earth who love & care about me. So thankful!

While I am on this subject..as a sidebar...I want to just say that I hate texting sometimes. I mean..I love the convenience of it..but I hate the impersonal-ness of it all. Though I appreciate receiving a text from someone than nothing at all...I think a phone call is much better. Reading a text that says "hope you feel better" versus actually hearing someone call you up & tell you..or receiving a heart felt card..is totally different. And it speaks volumes. Just something to keep in mind in the future. I am guilty of it, too. But this year..I vow to be better...to DO better. PICK up the phone & call your loved ones, people. You never know when someone's last day on earth will be. Don't say you don't have time; you DO. You have time for the things that you want to make time for. You had time to log on facebook & read my blog didn't you? ;) ;) ;)

I start back to school on Tuesday. I am not exactly thrilled about it..but then again I am because it's my last semester!!! I can't say it's my last one forever though..because one day I may decide to go back to school & get my PhD. But for now, IT IS MY LAST SEMESTER. I graduate May 19th with my Masters degree in Criminology..so mark your calendars :) It has been a long, trying journey..but God has seen me through & the light is at the end of the tunnel. I am almost done!

That's all I've got. Until next time!

Be well. Be blessed.Kyndra