"Failure is the tuition you pay for success."

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

I think those lyrics summarize what I am going through at this period in my life.

It’s funny. It seems like just when things couldn’t possibly get worse, they do. Just when I think I have set my expectations in life, the unexpected happens. Whether storms in life come out of nowhere, or I saw them coming all along, life is a struggle. And as humans, we struggle to hold onto our faith. We want to see things happen and happen now! The irony of it all is that often God is doing His greatest work in us when we cannot see anything happening. We pray and things may even get worse. Has God forgotten about us? NO. He is doing a deeper work in our hearts. The testing of our faith is producing patience.

Sometimes I look at other people’s lives & the things that they are going through & think to myself, “wow, they have it easy.” Or “how come everything always works out great for them, but not for me?” Or “Why is it that this person was successful in that, but I’m not?” But then I realize that I cannot compare myself to others. The Bible says that it is foolish to do so. I have no idea what kinds of trials, tribulations, or turmoil other people are going through behind closed doors. It is not my job to judge or compare either. My life has a plan & a purpose. I have to remind myself that God made this plan specifically for KYNDRA, & it is KYNDRA’S job to work that plan out for herself. I know this. But sometimes as a human it’s so hard not to compare.

I have been through so much. Probably more than your average twenty-three year old. Most people would probably never even guess! There have been so many times in my life where I have thought I knew exactly what God was going to do, where He was going to take me, & how He was going to get me there. Then suddenly when all those plans go haywire, my first reaction is to say “Hey lord, I thought we had this all worked out on how this is going to be.” It’s times like those when I have to realize that sometimes the things that I want for my life, are not what God wants or what God thinks I need. The same Lord who gave me life, who gave me rebirth when I was nine years old, that same Lord will also never leave me or forsake me. He does not intend to harm me. His plans for me are bigger than I could ever imagine or dream up for myself.

However, even with all of that said...it seems that the hardest time to follow Jesus is when you are successful & when everything is going seemingly perfect in your life. Because when things are going great & things work out, then it’s easy for me to say gosh life’s good! And that’s when I’m most vulnerable. I need Jesus all the time. Not just when I am bottomed out. That’s when it is easy to follow Jesus because you don’t have anywhere else to turn. Jesus is always there. Always listening. Always loving. Always forgiving. He is there beside me with every step. In fact, at times, He’s leading me, at others He’s walking with me, and often He’s carrying me. The love that I have searched for, for so long in others, is found in Him & only in Him. I think that sometimes in life we have to experience certain hardships because those push us into a place where we cannot lean on anything else but God…unless we want to be absolutely miserably alone.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

I was doing some thinking tonight, & I think God is telling me that He wants me to trust in Him with my whole heart because lately, I have been leaning on my own understanding. And, after crying & pouting & moping…I realized a few things. I realized that I need to surrender my heart to the Lord. All of it. The only way my crushed heart can be mended is if He has all of the pieces. I also realized that wherever it is that God puts me or places me in life, my real job is not to be a lawyer or anything else. My job is to somehow be that person God has created me to be & to have influence on the world where He has placed me—doesn’t matter where that is. He not only knows the beginning, He knows the ending, & He knows every step in between. He is going to take me through the paths I may not have chosen, but they are the only paths that make sense & will get me safely to the finish line. I must have a confident assurance that God is in control...not the people in my life…but GOD. He is overseeing every aspect of my life right now. I have to trust that the trial that He has allowed in my life is because He has found a purpose in it, & it is for GOOD. Through my human reasoning I cannot make sense of it, but everything looks different from God’s perspective, & I have to trust that He knows what He is doing.

SO..instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself..I need to glorify God. I think how you respond to failure, & disappointment, says a lot more than how you do in successes. God has taken some unexpected things in my life over & over & has really tried to find out if I was going to stay with Him or get to the point where I will say “Whoa whoa, time out, this is too much, I’m going to go my own way.” The hardest thing in life is when you have an idea of how things are going to go, what you hope for, what you dream about, what you pray for, & it doesn’t come through. That’s when it’s easy to get disappointed with God or question God. And although I don’t get why I am having to go through all this..I have faith. As God said to Joshua, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." I know in my heart that God knows what is best for my life. And since I trust in God, I know that failure is never forever.