My Desire

I feel so alone now more than ever. This is already such a weird year for me with so many of my friends gone not only from law school but also a few of my best friends have moved away & are no longer here either. I know that my loved ones support me, but sometimes I feel so alone. I feel like no one gets it sometimes. Gets me. I feel like people make so many assumptions & probably one of my biggest pet peeves is when people think they know me..but don't. Hmm. Another weird thing..I am also living on my own again & keeping a lot more to myself. I'm just trying to focus on school...& focus on me. But it's so hard sometimes. I heard a quote the other day, "Keep the pictures, they don't change. Only the people in them do." So true. It's funny how you think you know someone, think you know how they will respond or act in a given situation, & then you find out you're completely wrong. Maybe you don't know them at all. Maybe you never really did. Heck, maybe they don't even know themselves. Maybe there is no such thing as a perfect ending. Maybe all of the words that I have heard so far were just empty words..words that were never intended to be fulfilled. Words that turn out to be nothing more than an empty promise. Words that I put too much faith & hope in. Words that I wanted so bad to be true. Maybe they aren't.

Today the church sermon was from the book of Colossians. One passage, Colossians 3:8-10 says "But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator." The other verse we focused on is Colossians 3:2 which says, "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." I really felt like those two verses spoke to me. I feel like I have a lot growing that I need to do. I have said that a lot lately, but it's something that I really feel tugging at my heart. Something that I need to do. Something that I need to change. I sometimes worry when other people see me, if they see the God in me. What if they don't? That scares me.

To all of my loved ones, family, friends, and others, I want to say sorry for not being the best person I know that I can be. I have lots of room for growth, & I am trying my best to get there. Please be patient with me. Forgive me when I hurt you. Forgive me for any wrongs I have done to you. Forgive me if I have hurt your feelings. Forgive me for being human. Forgive me for falling short of God's glory. But mostly, love me. Support me. Be there for me. Hold my hand, & never let it go.

Last night, I thought about my dad. It's the first time I have thought of him in awhile. I don't think about him often, but I sat there in my room, all alone, doing homework, cleaning, & watching TV on a lonely Saturday night, wondering hmm, wonder what he is doing? Wonder if he ever wonders about me? Wonder if he wonders what I am thinking? Wonder if he wonders how I am doing? Wonder if he even wonders at all...

I made a conscious choice to finally forgive my dad last year. I just came to the realization that having hate in my heart was not healthy. Plus, forgiving others may seem to be a choice, and in one sense it is a choice, but God has been very clear about forgiveness. He has given us specific direction in numerous Scriptures, all of which can be summed up in just one word -- to just forgive! God's Word says, "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins" (Mark 11:25). "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven" (Luke 6:37). I can honestly say (no matter what anyone else thinks) that I have forgiven my dad. I am able to live day to day without having that resentment against him. Ultimately what he has done & the ways that he has fallen short of being my dad & being there for me, his long absences in my life...all of that is for him to take up with God later. Not with me. I'm not here to judge.

"Patience carries a lot of WAIT..."

Man oh man time sure is flying by. I can’t believe it is already about to be October. So crazy! Not much has changed in my life as of lately. I am still just as busy as ever with school & work & everything else in between. Today I met with two attorneys who are head of the West Texas Public Defender’s Office on Capital Cases. I am going to start volunteering there weekly, and honestly, I couldn’t be more excited! For those of you who don’t know anything about a Public Defender or what they do, it’s this: Basically an attorney who works as a Public Defender is essentially a government attorney. They work to preserve the constitutional rights of indigent defendants in criminal cases. You must first be determined eligible before the Office of the Public Defender can represent you.

Anyway..with that said, today, after meeting with the two attorneys, they told us all about the work that we will be doing, their expectations, hopes, and about their office. They also assigned us to clients. I am so excited because I will actually get to work on my client’s capital murder case & get to know him for the PERSON he is (not the crime he committed), conduct interviews, do investigatory work, & even go do jail visits! My client is imprisoned in another county, so it will be about a 2 hour drive, but I am really excited to get started because criminal law is my passion, & it will feel good to try to make a difference: to try to save one person’s life from the death penalty. My horizons have broadened so much just by working at a criminal defense firm. I see the humanistic part of the law that so many people don’t get to see; I can put a face to the drunk driver, meet the parents of the sex offender, meet the brother of the drug dealer, or the sister of the murderer. It makes you realize that wow, at the end of the day, they are people, too. And people make mistakes. And we all fall short of the glory of God. All of us. Every day!

So on a more random note (as always..ha!) I read a really good passage earlier in my little devotional. It’s from Proverbs 19:20-21 which says “Listen to advice and accept instruction and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.” That is exactly what I needed to hear! I think so many times I try to do what I want & sometimes think that I have complete & total control in my life…when in the end it is totally God’s! God’s will prevails over mine! He knows what I am going to choose before I choose it, & He knows where I will be next year, three years from now, or even ten years from now. He knows my future successes/failures. And He knows who it is that I am going to marry one day. So even though I may think that I have my future mapped out, sometimes we get a huge surprise (just like I did last semester when I thought I had everything figured out). Lately I have really been feeling God tugging at my heart. There are some things I feel like He keeps telling me or showing me the answer to. I feel like I know there are some things/people in my life that were put in it for a purpose, & I feel like God has revealed that purpose for some of them. It’s kind of scary in a way, but I see God’s will working in my life! It's beautiful! And that means I just have to let go of the worldly things, stop letting the Devil get in the way,& just be happy & let go & let God! On a personal level, I am not where I need to be. I think I still need to grow quite a bit, not only just as a person, but also with my walk in Christ. It is something I am working on and really trying to change because I checked my Godmeter the other day…& it’s sooo not where I want it to be! I think when God is missing from your life whether it is your own life or your marriage or even your relationship, that is very apparent. So I’ve got to work on that.

Today was an interesting day. I think the quote that embodies some of the things I had to deal with is this one: “When tempted to lose patience with someone, think about how patient God has been with you.”

I think a good way to think about it is this way:

IF: God is love.
AND: Love is patient.
THEN: God is patient.

TRUE statement. Anddddd this is also true: Patience comes through understanding and understanding comes through love. When you love someone you understand their heart, and when you understand their heart you have patience. Love sees everything in a person’s heart. It doesn’t even begin to lose patience, because it understands completely why a person does what they do. Sooooo....

Think about God. Think about how He never tallies up your mistakes in an effort to build a case against you. He never calculates in His mind what you deserve for your failures in life. He is not even the slightest bit irritated when you repeat the same mistake over and over again. God understands and HE IS PATIENT.

He doesn't stop there! Nope! God has decided whole-heartedly that He will be with you for all eternity. ALL ETERNITY PEOPLE! You just have to seek Him. He’s not thinking of leaving or sneaking out early. He is in for the long haul. He has a clear vision of the finish line. And because of that He possesses patience.

God has patience with you because He knows the end of your story, and He is pleased with it. It’s a happy ending! Just you wait and see!

Are you patient with others? Or are you quick to anger and slow to forgive? I know after today, I was walking a thin line in regards to patience. I wanted so bad to just blow up and be rude to the people who were being rude to me. For instance, I got really irritated with a client and her extreme persistence! But then I read that quote (which is one of my fav quotes & is on my facebook page..ha!) “When tempted to lose patience with someone, stop and think about how patient God has been with you.”

Do we practice this in our daily lives? It’s so easy to just go off on that really annoying person or honk at the slow driver in front of you or be rude to your friend who is on your last nerve. But what good does it do? If God is patient with us, why is it so hard for US to give that same patience back to those around us…the people that we love and care for...our brothers & sisters in Christ?

I pondered that today. And that is why I have come to realize that I need to strengthen my relationship with God…because I want to be patient—just like He has and continues to be WITH ME!

"You never see the hard days in a photo album... but those are the ones that get you from one happy snapshot to the next..."

Have you ever had a day that you wish you could permanently eradicate from your memory? You know, one of those unbelievably bad experiences you keep hoping is a bad dream that you're going to wake up from any blissful second? I hate those days! But I guess only time can cure that one.

I was sick all week with a sinus infection/horrible cold. I thought I was getting better, & then last night I started feeling like crud again. Hopefully I get over this completely SOON because I sure would hate to get the flu! My sister is pretty sick still, too, ugh!

Texas Tech plays Texas today. I wish I was in Austin today..I really do. But alas..I am stuck in Lubbsuck! Oh well, I have plenty of places to go today. One of my friends is having a bbq for his bday, and a bunch of my friends are meeting somewhere to eat & watch the game. So I’ll prolly do that. Then afterwards I may go out. Lord knows I need to go out & just have fun. I have too many things racing through my mind..& I am feeling the need to do some drinking. Actually, I'm feeling the need to do some crying, but my tear ducts seem to be too proud, so I am going to do some drinking instead. ha.

I do have some things on my mind that I wanna talk about, though. For starters, I’ll begin with this quote, from one of my fav shows ever…Sex & the City.
“Maybe mistakes are what make our fate... without them what would shape our lives? Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. After all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. But it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart... and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away”

Love it! So anyways, that’s so true. No one is perfect, but sometimes the mistakes that we make end up doing us some good because things work out in a way that we would have never had work out if those mistakes hadn’t happened! Crazy how that works. When I look back at my own life, for example, I had no idea I would be where I am today. However, it was because of those roads that I took & those choices that I made (that weren’t so smart at the time) that end up being the best decisions I ever made or best life lessons ever learned!

Next, lets talk a little bit about actions and reactions. I think one thing that is absolutely driving me nuts today plays upon one of my pet peeves: I hate when people think they KNOW me. By that, I mean I hate when people think they are inside of my body, know my exact feelings, exactly what’s racing through my mind, what I am thinking, ect. No one knows that except me…& God. I get so tired of people telling me how I feel or how I think on something when they don’t have the slightest clue! Sorry that I don’t always respond to things in the way that people hope/wish for, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t care or whatever emotion applies in that moment. I give the analogy of a funeral. So, I am not a big cry-er at funerals. Some people are. I, however, am not. But just because I go to a funeral & I DON’T cry…does that mean that I don’t care about the person who died? Does that mean that I don’t love them? Does that mean that my heart doesn’t ache for them or go out to their family? Does that mean that I’m not sad? Of course not! That would be silly! We all react to different things in different ways..especially when we are actively involved in other activities throughout the day at the same time. Another analogy: the fact that I don’t tell my dad that I love him..or show it. Does that mean that I absolutely hate him? Does that mean that I wish the absolute worse for him? Does that mean that if something happened to him tomorrow I wouldn't care? NO! Because at the end of the day he is still my dad, & of course regardless of what he does I am always going to love him. I have to..he's my dad. Third analogy: Attending an event (in this situation I will use my college graduation as an example). Does the fact that some people didn’t come to my college graduation mean they don’t care? What if I include the fact that they didn’t cry, clap, or scream for joy when I got my diploma? What about if I told you that when I opened up a graduation present from them, I didn’t jump for joy, I just had a solemn expression on my face & said “Thank you so much.” Does that mean I am not thankful? Of course not! Actions speak louder than words people! So just because I may react to something in a way that you didn’t think/expect, please don’t automatically assume my feelings/emotions. Because quite honestly..you don't know me! You don't know what I am thinking. You don't know how I feel. Besides all of that, it’s the biggest flawed argument ever! I know I am not the smartest cookie there is, but I took the LSAT (which is all based on logical reasoning & analytical stuff) & I can tell you this. Just because A+B=C does NOT mean you can take that same equation and say that A+D will get you to C (the conclusion). The premises do not equal to the deduction. Therefore, applying that same logical reasoning to real life…just because I don’t react a certain way does not mean that I am a certain emotion or that I feel a certain way, ect. So stoppppp assuming. It’s like today….I’m not very talkative & I’ve had 3 people ask me what’s wrong. Just because I don’t feel like talking one day doesn’t automatically mean that I hate the world or that I am angry or sad or whatever. Maybeeeee I just don’t have anything to say!!!! Whew. Okay. Done.

Next…umm. Job search. It’s so much fun. Not. The economy sucks & man..it really has put a damper on applying places. However, I am about to start helping out at the West Texas Public Defender’s Office on Capital Cases so that should be pretty cool. I’ll be seeing some pretty vulgar stuff, but it will be interesting nonetheless & will definitely help out my resume. Hopefully I can get an internship next summer with the FBI, a law firm, or a DA’s office somewhere. If not, I really think I am going to study abroad again.

It's so weird to think that in less than 2 years..I will be an attorney. It won't just be something to say anymore, but something that I will be DOING. I can still remember all those years ago when I was 11 years old sitting on my bed, looking at the ceiling, talking to God, & deciding in that moment that I wanted to be an attorney. I wanted to BE somebody. I wanted to do SOMETHING. I am so incredibly blessed that God has brought me on this journey & that I am living my dream! It's definitely not easy, & some days I feel as stupid as ever (especially in class when I get called on!), but I know that I wouldn't be here if I was stupid. I wouldn't have made it this far. (Flawed logic if I believed it!). I hope that I will get my fairy tale ending. I hope that one day I can have the whole American dream..the great career, loving husband, wonderful kids, & a nice home to top it off. Isn't that what everyone wants? Why do I some days feel like that will happen to me...& then other days feel like it's all just a dream? Only God knows the plan for my life, He knows who I am going to marry & share my life with. And He is & has continually shown me over the years that if I just put my trust in Him, everything will be okay. I gave God the pen to write my love story a long, long time ago, & like I always say, He is writing something bigger & better than I could ever imagine or dream up for myself. And I can't wait until I turn the page & get to find out.

Well I am off to do my homework & get some studying in. Talk to you later people.

P.S. thanks to all of my constant readers! I'm so glad that my blog helps you & that you enjoy reading it!

Sometimes I put the PRO in Procrastination!

1. Where did your last kiss take place?
the airport

2. Who knows a secret or two about you?
Aris...my best friends...i dunno?

3. Four words to explain why you last threw up?
had a horrible migraine

4. Have you ever burned yourself?
yes..& it hurts!

5. What's crazy to you?
right now...people over-reacting over President Obama's educational speech!

6. Favorite cuss word:
batch...yes i say batch instead of...

7. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?
hopefully no one....i don't think anyone has any beef with me..lol

8. Who is your hero?
my mom & my grandma

9. Would you ever want to be a supermodel?
yeah i did when i was younger..but pff i don't have the height for it

10. Who is the most experimental person you know?
no clue

11. Do you tell white lies?
try not to..but everyone has told a white lie before..so....

12. When is your next party?
going to a bday gathering on saturday!

13. Who do you want to be with right now?
aris...or my best friends

14 Do you scratch when and where you want to scratch?
sure

15. How do you handle a break up?
its always hard. even if you wanted it....

16. Your motivation for tomorrow?
it's thursday...& that means it's one step closer to friday!

17. Do you know what you will wear tomorrow?
i think so, actually

18. Last person to make you laugh?
paula

19. Last thing you ate?
leftover chicken bowtie pasta with asiago sauce

20. Do u ever go a few days without changing your underwear?
OMG EWWW no way!

21. Have you ever accidentally eaten an insect?
yes one time i was at a friend's & i grabbed a glass off of her top shelf, poured OJ in it..& it turns out there was a daddy long legs in there.....& i didn't know until i saw a leg on my lip....DISGUSTING HUH?!!! & another time i was talking & i breathed in really deep & a fly went right down my airway....

22. Do daddy long legs freak you out?
any kind of spider freaks me out

23. Have you ever cleaned up someone else's vomit?
yeah & it's disgusting

24. Have you ever dropped food on the floor and eaten it?
yes...5 second rule!

25. Do you kiss your pets on the mouth?
don't have any pets..but eww no.

26. Do you talk baby talk?
to little animals or babies..yes.

27. What serial killer do you find most disturbing?
um..all of them. lol.

28. Do you watch court tv?
sometimes.

29. Would you ever work in a retirement home?
no. too sad.

30. Do you believe plants have feelings?
uhhh no.

31. Do you laugh at people with "bowl" haircuts?
yes. although sadly i used to have one when i was a kid...thanks mom! haha

32. Do you have nervous twitches?
nope

33. Are you ever purposely irritating?
yes

34. If you could fly, where would you go first?
i dunno..spain!

35. Do you prefer boats or planes?
planes

36. Love or lust?
love

37. One best friend or 10 aquaintances?
1 best friend

38. Favorite food?
chicken fried steak, any kind of pasta, chinese food, ect.

39. Do you believe in love at first sight?
no. i believe in lust at first sight..but not love.

40. What upcoming event are you waiting and ready for?
hmmm i guess the etiquette dinner.

41. Current smell?
my armani perfume.

42. Do you get your nails done?
not unless i have somewhere *FANCY* to go to

43. Favorite color(s)?
pink & turquoise!

44. What do you want to be when you grow up?
a lawyer...

45. Are you an emotional person?
yes.

46. Do you like your name?
sure. it's unique. but i hate when people mis-spell it...esp people who have known me their entire lives....

47. Do you have plans this weekend?
yes.

48. Do you work?
yes...at a criminal law firm.

49. At what age do you want to be married?
i'd like to be married by like..25...but who knows...

50. When did your last relationship end?
like end..end? december 08

51. What are you listening to right now?
nada...it's silent. i'm in the library.

52. Biggest fear?
spiders..not being successful..infertility...being alone

53. How can someone win your heart AND keep it?
ohhh well he must be a man of God....have every quality that i want...love me..respect me...tell me i am beautiful....do things for me just because...ect. i don't want the romance to stop just because i'm finally his!

54. Favorite place to be?
the beach

55. What are you wearing right now?
black button down & a khaki skirt

56. Are your toes painted?
yup..got a pedicure on sunday

57. Does anyone hate you?
i don't think so...but i guess if they do then that's their own perogative

58. How many people do you trust fully?
a few

59. Did you have fun doing this?
nope

60. Are you thinking of someone right now?
yes

"Be quick to listen, slow to speak & slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires." James 1:19-20

Anger is defined in the dictionary as a strong emotion expressing displeasure or dislike. It can be both constructive or destructive.

We have all been angry at some point in our lives. And some of us have also let anger win sometimes. I know I have.

Isn't it ironic that when we are angry we blame everyone or everything but ourselves?

Often we say, "If she had not said thus and so I would not get angry" or "if he would just pay more attention to me and less attention to something or someone else, then I would not have to get angry."

There is no doubt that the external things around us do affect us, but they are not the source of our anger. The source of our anger is the inherent sin that is in the world today. It is our own selfishness, our own desires to boost our own ego, our position in life.

...That's a hard thing to admit.

Often times anger comes from internal sources. When we fail to receive what we want when we want it, there is a flash of anger that takes over. Perhaps it is because we do not get the recognition or acceptance that we think we should. At other times it stems from a low self-esteem.

Sometimes when things that matter so much to us, whether they be temporal needs or spiritual perceptions, are not provided in a timely manner we become discouraged. We are fearful that these disappointments will go on for a period of time, or that they will never be achievable. This fear comes from trying to trust in self or others instead of trusting in God. It comes from not waiting on God and his time schedule. The safety and security that we long for at times can only be supplied by God.

This fear, along with our desire to fulfill our own needs, will lead to rebellion. We get angry toward anyone who stands in our way or who does not go along with our personal agenda. Before long we make demands that cannot be fulfilled.

I know that's what I have been doing lately. And that's not a good thing...

I found this article:

Three Ways to Mishandle Anger

The first is quick or shallow confession. We do this by taking the blame and then trying to sweep the issue under the carpet, not truly repenting of the anger or taking the time to examine the situation and why we became angry in the first place, and correcting the feelings within ourselves. We say, in effect, "That is just the way I am. I cannot help myself."

A second way to mishandle anger is by repression, by pretending we are not angry at all, saying all is fine and forgiven when really it is not. Stifling anger in this way tends to lead to depression. Depression can be defined as "anger turned inwards." We have the anger stuffed down inside where it lays and ferments, corrupting the very area where it lays. After a while we stop feeling the anger; but this bears a great price. Along with losing the feeling of the anger comes losing the feeling of joy. You end up stifling all emotions, you do not feel pain or joy.

The third way of mishandling anger is through explosive expressions. After anger has been held down for so long, fermenting, a seemingly harmless statement may trigger an explosive expression. These expressions are never constructive anger but always destructive.

The Uses of Anger

We use anger in several different ways. It becomes a means of self-protection. Saul did this when he was told his kingdom would be taken away from him and given to David. Rather than repent of his ways, rather than finding a way to improve himself, Saul laid out a plan to kill David. He tried to protect his kingship. He tried to protect his self-image and the image that others had of him.

Jonah is another person who became very angry as a means of protecting and blistering his own ego. When God told Jonah he would spare Nineveh and not destroy it, Jonah became angry, forgetting that the very purpose of his being sent to Nineveh was to obtain repentance. His reaction was, "the people will not believe me." Those who give in to anger often miss the true purpose of the experiences God sends their way.

We will often try to handle anger by throwing the blame on someone else. When Saul’s plan to destroy David failed, he turned to Jonathan and said, "Thou son of the perverse rebellious woman" (1 Samuel 20:30). Saul was angry because his plan to kill David and save his kingdom had failed. He placed the blame on his son. He did not even take the responsibility for Jonathan being his own son but said it was Jonathan’s mother’s fault—"It is not my fault you are this way, it is your mother’s fault." We, too, often try to lay the blame any place other than where it belongs.

We often use anger to create space. We might call it the porcupine effect. When attacked, the porcupine will curl up into a ball and show the barbs it has for protection. It knows that if its enemies can get to the soft underbelly it is defenseless. Often in anger we will use sharp sarcasm or sharp short answers to create distance, so that others will not get too close and see our weaknesses. This is based on the insecurity and fear that if people get to know us they will not like us.

How Do We Handle Anger

One of the things we need to do is to learn to be slow to anger. We need to take the time to be sure that we have a good reason to be angry. Patience is one of the things needed to overcome anger. It is not a drowsy indifference we seek. It will not do to just throw a blanket on our situation and merely say, "everything is all right, I am not going to get angry." Love, Scripturally speaking, is not an easy-going indifference. We need to listen and ask questions to be sure we understood what was said, to get the facts straight. Then, unless a principle is involved, we need to give the other party the benefit of the doubt.

A second thing we can do is change our thinking. We cannot change our feelings, but we can change our thinking. This new pattern of thought, rather than getting angry, looks within self to see what is producing the anger. This new pattern of thinking will help us to control our anger.

The power of the things in this world are only temporary. Christ could go to the cross and be crucified because he realized that that was only a temporary condition. The rebukes, the put-downs, the disappointments we have are only temporary.

Be Angry and Sin Not

"Be ye angry, and sin not. Let not the sun go down upon your wrath, neither give place to the devil" (Ephesians 4:26, 27). We need to learn to be "swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath" (James 1:19). There is a reason God gave us two ears and just one mouth. Too often we are not good listeners and too quick to speak, too ready to get angry.

Yet in Ephesians we are told that we are supposed to be angry. Anger, in itself, is neither right nor wrong, neither constructive nor destructive, until there is a motive that goes along with it. If anger is wrong, God has sinned; and that is not possible. We are told on many occasions that God was angry. Jesus showed anger with the Pharisees. It is all right to be angry. It is the motivation we use. If it is harmful to ourselves or others, the anger is not right. The spirit which flushes with resentment at an oath is better by far than the spirit which listens with indifference, or which laughs with pleasure. We are far better off if our anger is motivated by love.

Once our anger is motivated by love it also needs to be constrained by love. Love can motivate anger, but if it does not also constrain it, the anger can still get out of control.

The second thing that our text in Ephesians tells us is to "sin not." We sin by letting our anger get out of control. Paul continues by telling us "let not the sun go down upon your wrath." In other words we are not to harbor our anger. We must repent, be quick to examine it, and not harbor it.

Finally, Paul concludes, "neither give place to the devil." If the devil can get us to the place where we are harboring our anger, with emotions welling up inside us which rot our inner being, then he has us in a position where we cut back on our prayer life and become insensitive.

...........Don't be like me..& let anger get the best of you & place a wedge between you & someone that you love. When that happens..you are letting the Devil win instead of God's grace. It's not worth it...

"Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts..."

I can picture the day. Bubbles blowing, a limo pulling up to take him and I to the airport, white clusters of flowers on the pews, tears in my mother’s eyes, my bridesmaids in either a light pink or turquoise chiffon….

All of the details of my wedding day are worked out in my head. All of them, that is, except for the groom, of course.

Love. It’s a commonly thrown around four-letter word. “I love macaroni and cheese.” “I love Dr. Pepper.” Sometimes, even an “I love him” or “I love her.”

So…I found an article that talks about what love is. Not infatuation..but real love. Real love that goes the distance. I wanted to share it with you.

What is real love? And is there a difference between that and the heart-pounding adrenaline rush I feel when I see…? You know the person I’m talking about. That hot guy playing basketball at the gym… the cute girl who makes eye contact as she passes by… the friend of a friend of a friend… maybe a best friend. It’s that person we keep track of when he or she is in the same room, whose comments and actions we analyze to no end.

There are a few things love isn’t. Love isn’t a feeling. Although real love is often accompanied by strong feelings, love does not equate with the sense of floating on clouds. Unlike the type of love that movies, television, and songs portray, people in love don’t always feel ooey gooey around each other.

A relationship wouldn’t last long on emotions. In fact, knowledge is the basis of a healthy relationship.

Knowing about the other person is key. I used to and sometimes still do “fall in love” with guys that I have never had a conversation with, whether it be a movie star in the latest romantic drama or the guy sitting behind me in a calculus class. I would know his name and his face, and that was the extent of my knowledge of him. If I were to start a relationship with him, who knows where that would lead us!

Knowing about the person’s personality and character are so important. One good test is to list the qualities that attract us to that guy or girl. If the list is long, we know a lot about them and like those things. If the list is short, we either don’t know a lot about them or we know a lot but aren’t attracted to his or her personality.

Love is a choice. It’s a commitment. Although feelings will accompany love, and although sex will be a part of marriage, a lasting, healthy relationship cannot be based on these things.

The Bible says that God is love. God, as our designer and creator, made us with needs for love. Do you ever wonder why we constantly seek love from others but never feel completely satisfied? It’s because God designed us for an unconditional love, and we, as people, are flawed.

People, whether friends, family, or your significant other, will invariably let you down at some point. God wants us to find our need for love and acceptance in him first. One person cannot meet all our needs, even if he’s funny or she’s thoughtful.
We were made for God’s love, and God’s love alone can fill that need. Only after experiencing and knowing the unconditional love that God has for us, the love that drove God to send his Son to die for us on earth, can we begin to love others with the same quality of unconditional love.

Love
o Sees the other person’s flaws and still loves them
o Wants to serve the other person; selfless
o Still spends time with others
o Takes time to build the relationship
o Other relationships and friendships grow stronger
o Trust and understanding results in less severe and less frequent jealousy
o Encompasses a long-term commitment
o Survives and sometimes is strengthened because of distance
o Quarrels can strengthen the relationship

Infatuation can be so tempting. But the question is, do I want a lasting, satisfying relationship? If so, infatuation isn’t the answer. Look at your relationships & evaluate them. Infatuation isn’t a bad thing, as long as we don’t base a relationship on it.
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Probably the wisest and most eye-opening book out there is the book, “He’s Just Not That Into You.” I have seen the movie, which is AWESOME, but the book blows the movie right out of the water! Anyway, today I have been feeling very empty…very hollow…very…blah. And with great reason & justification to. I am so hurt. Words cannot even explain. It seems like just when I finally get over the heartbreak that I went through 9 months ago....it happens again...and man..it sucks. It literally feels as though someone has stuck a knife through my heart. Ugh...

“A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If he's not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he's showing up at your new residence to do it in person ... if he's not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you. Stop taking his calls and let him know what it's like to live without you.”

So true! If something is meant to be, it will happen. Ladies, if a man tells you that he loves you, and he really means it, he won’t just give up that easily. Why do I know this? How do I know this? Because God says so.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
—I Corinthians 13:4-8

This verse describes the characteristics of true love. These qualities can certainly be found in the person of Jesus Christ, and they can be found in all truly loving relationships.

Love is best seen as devotion and action, not an emotion. Love is not exclusively based on how we feel. Certainly our emotions are involved, but they cannot be our only criteria for love. True devotion will always lead to action—true love.

Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with ACTIONS and in truth.
I John 3:18 (NIV)

We can only identify true love and know when we have found it, based on the Word of God. When we match our relationships up to what the Bible says that love is—and we are honestly prepared to make a life-long commitment to that person—then we can say that we are truly “in love.” The three keys to that statement are:
We have to…

1. look at the Word of God
2. be completely honest with ourselves
3. understand the level of commitment that comes with true love

.................Think about it. After all, God, the author of love and romance, wrote THE book on how to live our lives...on how our relationships should be.

Sigh. I am very down & out & blah. Please keep me in your prayers as this has been a difficult day for me...& tomorrow probably won't be so easy either. But I know that as long as I keep my faith strong...this will all work out for the better...in God's way..not my own. God has big plans for me..plans bigger than I could ever imagine! And one day..things will all fall right into place for me..the way they are supposed to. I guess for now...the only thing I can do in order to heal is to pick up the broken pieces..& give them all to Him.

Let God have your broken pieces, too. It is then & only then..that He can heal your broken heart.

I am letting God write my love story. Are you?

All you need is one

"There are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day, others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men at war with good, and some are good struggling with evil. 6 billion people in the world, 6 billion souls, and sometimes, all you need is one."

So, I guess it's true. When you're down, lonely, have something on your mind, or even feeling blah like me right now, the thought of that one person's face lightens your day up. Sometimes it's that one person who helps you through the day. Sometimes it's that one person who texts you before and after events they know that you're doing. Sometimes it's that one person who calls or gives you a smile, a hug, a kiss, a demonstration of how much they care for you, or a simple, "You're beautiful." And sometimes, that one person is all you need.