My Desire

I feel so alone now more than ever. This is already such a weird year for me with so many of my friends gone not only from law school but also a few of my best friends have moved away & are no longer here either. I know that my loved ones support me, but sometimes I feel so alone. I feel like no one gets it sometimes. Gets me. I feel like people make so many assumptions & probably one of my biggest pet peeves is when people think they know me..but don't. Hmm. Another weird thing..I am also living on my own again & keeping a lot more to myself. I'm just trying to focus on school...& focus on me. But it's so hard sometimes. I heard a quote the other day, "Keep the pictures, they don't change. Only the people in them do." So true. It's funny how you think you know someone, think you know how they will respond or act in a given situation, & then you find out you're completely wrong. Maybe you don't know them at all. Maybe you never really did. Heck, maybe they don't even know themselves. Maybe there is no such thing as a perfect ending. Maybe all of the words that I have heard so far were just empty words..words that were never intended to be fulfilled. Words that turn out to be nothing more than an empty promise. Words that I put too much faith & hope in. Words that I wanted so bad to be true. Maybe they aren't.

Today the church sermon was from the book of Colossians. One passage, Colossians 3:8-10 says "But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator." The other verse we focused on is Colossians 3:2 which says, "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." I really felt like those two verses spoke to me. I feel like I have a lot growing that I need to do. I have said that a lot lately, but it's something that I really feel tugging at my heart. Something that I need to do. Something that I need to change. I sometimes worry when other people see me, if they see the God in me. What if they don't? That scares me.

To all of my loved ones, family, friends, and others, I want to say sorry for not being the best person I know that I can be. I have lots of room for growth, & I am trying my best to get there. Please be patient with me. Forgive me when I hurt you. Forgive me for any wrongs I have done to you. Forgive me if I have hurt your feelings. Forgive me for being human. Forgive me for falling short of God's glory. But mostly, love me. Support me. Be there for me. Hold my hand, & never let it go.

Last night, I thought about my dad. It's the first time I have thought of him in awhile. I don't think about him often, but I sat there in my room, all alone, doing homework, cleaning, & watching TV on a lonely Saturday night, wondering hmm, wonder what he is doing? Wonder if he ever wonders about me? Wonder if he wonders what I am thinking? Wonder if he wonders how I am doing? Wonder if he even wonders at all...

I made a conscious choice to finally forgive my dad last year. I just came to the realization that having hate in my heart was not healthy. Plus, forgiving others may seem to be a choice, and in one sense it is a choice, but God has been very clear about forgiveness. He has given us specific direction in numerous Scriptures, all of which can be summed up in just one word -- to just forgive! God's Word says, "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins" (Mark 11:25). "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven" (Luke 6:37). I can honestly say (no matter what anyone else thinks) that I have forgiven my dad. I am able to live day to day without having that resentment against him. Ultimately what he has done & the ways that he has fallen short of being my dad & being there for me, his long absences in my life...all of that is for him to take up with God later. Not with me. I'm not here to judge.