This is my RIGHT NOW

Sometimes the hardest part about today…is right now. Not the future….but today. Deciding that the truth is actual, trying to understanding the largeness of a situation…all the while, grasping the fact that you have suddenly become two people overnight, unexpectedly, without ever knowing it.

Saying those three little words out loud, “I am pregnant” may be hard to hear. Deafening. Difficult to fathom. Impossible to swallow.

It’s different when you vocalize the truth. Sometimes it seems that if you don’t say the truth out loud, then it isn’t really real. Why is that?

Proverbs 18:21 says that, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

Before I speak, I try to remind myself of that scripture. I try to remind myself of the fact that I can LITERALLY speak seemingly bad/negative things into my life…if I am not careful.

For weeks, I thought that maybe if I just didn’t speak the truth that was revealed by multiple tests and two little blue lines, along with a definite confirmation from the doctor…then maybe, just maybe, it never really happened. Right?

That worked for awhile. But when the morning sickness began to set in, when something as simple as brushing my teeth made me throw up, when just thinking about eating certain foods would make my stomach hurl, when I had so many food aversions that even eating SOMETHING became difficult, when I started to feel tenderness in my breasts, when I started getting heart burn and acid reflux, when I suddenly became an emotional basket case, I simply couldn‘t run from the truth anymore.

I had to say it out loud.

I AM PREGNANT.

Even so, I still struggled trying to process the magnitude of what that means. Pregnancy.

I must admit, when I first found out, I was not one of those newly expectant mothers who ran to the baby section of the store and started filling my basket with items. Nope. Nor was I one of those newly expectant moms who keeps the pregnancy test to show to the entire world. Not me either. Instead of being overwhelmed with excitement, I was actually filled with fear. I was terrified of this baby growing inside of me. But why?

I guess if you think about it, everything in life takes time. It takes time to feel comfortable with a new friend. It takes time to warm up to a stranger. It takes time to get along with a roommate. And, well…it takes time to move beyond your comfort zone in every facet of life. So I guess having an unexpected pregnancy is much the same. It takes time to process. And faith and honesty. And you know what I found out? That’s okay.

I would go to work day in and day out pretending. Pretending that I was okay when I wasn’t. Pretending that I wasn’t sick. Pretending that I didn’t want to just leave my head in the toilet all day instead of sit at my desk. Pretending that I wanted to go to lunch with a coworker…when in reality I wanted to stay far away from food. Pretending that emotionally I was okay…when really inside I had a crushed and broken spirit.

I even pretended to my friends and family. I pretended to be happy when I wasn’t. I pretended to be okay when I wasn’t. I pretended that everything in my life was peachy keen and grand because I had just graduated with my Masters degree…when really, it wasn’t. I pretended that I was the amazingly strong Kyndra that everyone sees, when really I would sit alone in my apartment and just cry and cry and cry. Cry out to God. Read my Bible with tears in my eyes, the text blurred, the lines unreadable. I even pretended to one of my best friends while doing our Esther Bible study called It‘s Tough Being a Woman. Secretly, as I would go through some of the lessons, I would think…psssttt. It’s tough being a woman doesn’t even BEGIN to describe it. When friends or family would ask me how I was doing, I was quick to say “good” and immediately turn the spotlight back on them and talk about their lives. Their happily ever after. Somehow living vicariously through other people provided a temporary escape from my NOW. If I would just talk about everything and anything….BUT the truth.

Honestly, when I went to my second doctor’s appointment, I was actually overjoyed inside when I stepped on the scale and I hadn’t gained any weight. I was 8 weeks pregnant then. The first time I went to the doctor I was 6 weeks pregnant. At my initial appointment, the doctor did the trans-vaginal ultrasound but couldn’t “find it” remember? He ultimately concluded that I was for sure pregnant, but wanted to get my lab results back to confirm for sure. So I had to go back to the doctor, two weeks later.

So at 8 weeks pregnant, I went back.

As soon as the doctor walked into the room, the first thing he said was, “Well, there is no doubt about it now. You are definitely pregnant! You have HCG, the pregnancy hormone, in your blood.”

He explained that he wanted to do another trans-vaginal ultrasound to see what he could see this time.

So once again, I laid down on that cold, hard table…naked and exposed… and waited. I think I was probably sweating bullets at that moment because I wasn’t sure what I would see. Or what I would think. Or how I would feel.

And then that magical moment happened. The moment when I saw it. A tiny, lima bean looking thing. I was instantly amazed that in just two short weeks, it went from being a speck to an actual visible shape.

As I looked at the screen, I suddenly became freaked out because I saw this small circle thing attached to the lima bean. My heart dropped because I thought something was wrong. The doctor laughed and assured me that no, everything was fine and looked normal, and that the peculiar looking circle “thing” attached was just the yolk sac.

Yolk sac? Humans have yolk sacs in the beginning? Well that beats the heck out of me. Ha. I certainly had no idea what that even meant at the time because I had never felt the need to educate myself on the stages of pregnancy..or how a baby goes from being an embryo…to a fetus…to a real baby.

I thought I was finished, but the doctor wanted to see if he could hear a heart beat yet. SO he put the Doppler on my flat tummy, and that’s when I heard it. Fast beats that were unmistakable. Undeniable. A constant and repetitive thumping.

The heart rate was 167.

That’s when it became real. And that’s when I began to cry. But this time, my tears were tears of amazement. Amazement of the tiny little being forming inside of me. In awe of God’s grace and what He had made.

I had to keep reminding myself that I’m not a teenager anymore. No matter how much of a little girl I felt like on the inside, I was now an adult. A grown up. A woman of God. I was now in my late twenties. 26. Not 15.

For awhile there, I felt like I was doing an injustice to the teenage girl that I was mentoring who was locked up in a juvenile facility for a variety of misdemeanor charges. I felt like a disgrace to her because I was pregnant. How could I inspire her to not make mistakes in her life, when I had made so many in mine?

The only visitor the kids there ever get to have besides their mentors, are their parents..and that is only one day a week. When I always went to visit, my mentee’s face would light up with joy. She couldn’t help but smile. And I couldn’t either. Because I sincerely wanted to make a difference in her life. I wanted to inspire her to be more, to do more. I wanted to push her to establish goals and break the cycle. I wanted her to remember me.

The week after I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t have the energy to go visit her. It was hard to even smile then. So I just didn’t show up. And the next week, when I went to visit her again, she asked me where I had been the week before. I stuttered and stammered trying to think of an excuse. But then I realized that I didn’t really have one. Even though I was dealing with my own inner turmoil, God still wanted to use me for a purpose in her life. And He wasn’t finished yet.

So I just kept praying. I prayed that every week, God would speak through me to her. Even on the days that I didn’t have the words to say or the energy to even smile because of everything that I was dealing with personally. And He did.

The last time I saw her, I told her that I was probably going to be moving away from Houston. I didn’t tell her why of course because I didn’t think it was important for her to know. She was about to get released on good behavior the next week anyway, so it was actually perfect timing. I remember as I walked away from that facility for the last time, I looked back and saw 5 or 6 of the youth with their faces pressed against the glass, smiling and waving at me. Tears in eyes, I smiled and waved back. I have a heart for youth. And I hope that God uses me to make a difference in the lives of youth one day.

I wish I could tell you that it has gotten easier. That life has been better since I revealed my “big secret” to my family and friends. But the truth is, it depends on the day. Moving is hard. Change is never easy. Understanding that I don't have to necessarily give up my goals, but rather, re-route them or put some of them on hold, is tough. Especially after all that I have been through and how hard I have worked to get to where I am. But the real difficulty, is not in any of that. No, the toughest pill to swallow at times, is the mere realization that my life as I have always known it, will change indefinitely on January 26, 2013. Forever.

I will say, though, that I have been incredibly blessed beyond measure by all of the kind words of encouragement, support, prayers, and love that friends, family, and the like, have shown me and Marlon recently. So thank you to those who have reached out. Even when you don't have the words to say, sometimes it's enough to just tell someone, "I am praying for you." That is how God has called us to be as brothers and sisters in Christ. So thank you all.

My mom is completely overjoyed to be a “Grammy” and the rest of my family as well as Marlon’s are all excited, too.

Even if this didn’t happen in the way that I expected it, I have to remind myself that….well, that’s just life sometimes. Life never goes how WE plan it. That’s because at the end of the day, we aren’t really the ones in control. God is.

Before the pregnancy, me and Marlon had been praying strongly for marriage. Praying that God would bless our future marriage beyond what we could ever imagine. We prayed that He would somehow bring us together in the same city, that we wouldn’t have to do long distance anymore. We prayed that we would be the best future husband and wife to each other that we could possibly be. We prayed that our future lives together would be amazingly bright and that we would be better together than we were apart.

We just didn’t know how God would answer that prayer. Or how He would turn a sinful situation into a blessed one.

Psalm 127:3 says that children are a gift from the Lord.

And I believe it. And receive it.

I am now 16 weeks pregnant. I am starting to show a little bit, but it looks more like a beer gut than anything (ha!). No more flat tummy.

We are starting to get excited now and are embracing this blessing whole heartedly.

I couldn’t imagine going through this without Marlon. I mean seriously...look at him.

What's not to love about that handsome face? He is such a strong man of God and has been so encouraging, so supportive, and so prayerful. He always reminds me of what is truly important and who is really in control. And that’s God. He has been there with me through all of this, even when I cry after a funny movie for no reason (yes that really happened) or even when I am so sick that all I want to do is just curl into the fetal position and sulk. He has been incredibly patient with me, as well. Especially when I use pregnancy as an excuse. If I am in a bad mood, it’s because I am pregnant. If I am tired, it is because I am pregnant. If I don’t feel like going somewhere, it’s because I am pregnant. Everything is because I am pregnant ;) lol ;)

So I didn’t get that fairy tale-Cinderella-storybook-virginal ending. And I will not have that wedding where I wear the white dress and it hugs all of the right curves. At least not right now. Nope. The curves that my dress will hug will probably be from the baby and my growing body. But you know what? That’s okay. The most important things in life aren't things. After all, the things of this world will perish. Marlon quickly reminded me of that. In fact, as soon as I whined to him about how my wedding day isn't going to be quite the day that I pictured now, he said, "So? Is that what makes the marriage? What about the people who were married in the Bible? They didn't have all of the stuff that people have today in weddings. You can have all of that "stuff" and a magical fairy tale day..and still end up in divorce." Ah, I love that man. He's right.

I choose to be happy with my RIGHT NOW. Because I chose life over death. I choose to embrace the blessings that God has given me. I choose to love the lover of my soul, the Creator of all that I am. And I choose to love the man of my dreams, Marlon, and this new blessing, baby S,…forever and ever. And the rest of the stuff in between? The what ifs and all of those worries? Well, I am giving it all to God. And I am letting Him use me. Through my imperfections, through my trials, and through my tribulations. Through my honesty. Through my naked exposure of sin. And through this.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” -Matthew 6:34

Until next time,
Kyndra