What Happens INSIDE of You is More Important than What Happens TO You

Have you ever felt like you are THIS close to reaching your breaking point? Like, if one more thing happens, you just might lose your cool and have an emotional break down? Well, I reached my point recently. I literally did not know how much more I could take and was crying out to the Lord.

Before I talk about the circumstances that led to my almost complete and utter melt down, I wanted to take a moment to just talk about the trials and tribulations that we as people will all undoubtedly experience in this fallen world at some point or another. Every second, every minute, every day, something bad happens. Yes, even in the lives of us Christians.

I equate life to an airplane. Think about it. There are times when you fly, where your trip is completely smooth sailin' and the sky is perfectly blue and cloudless. Then, there are other times when your flight experience is anything but pleasant. You might fly through a storm and therefore experience turbulence. Or fog. Rain. Thunder. Lightening. Snow. Air pockets. There might even be one of those out of control toddlers sitting behind your seat. You know, the one whose parents forgot to give him/her Benadryl, and he/she annoyingly kicks your seat from behind, making you grind your teeth and clench your jaw in frustration. Or you might be one of the lucky passengers who has the opportunity to sit beside Chatty Cathy. We all know who Chatty Cathy is. That's the person that you didn't even know until you sat down...who keeps looking over and starting senseless conversation with you about anything and everything (even though you have your iPod in your ears and all you want to do is sleep). Or maybe a few little birdies decide to fly into the engine of the plane upon take off and then they immediately burn up on impact and cause a foul smell to come through the air conditioning vents (happened to me once, believe it or not).

So just as a pilot or a passenger on an airplane can never truly expect for every flight to be smooth sailin'....neither can we as Christians expect to navigate through life without encountering difficulties, challenges, and obstacles. Unfortunately, as long as you are living and breathing on this earth, each and every one of us will encounter tests, trials, and tribulations that will place pressure on us either physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, or mentally. Or maybe even all of the above!

We need not be surprised when such trials come into our lives. But here is what we need to each understand. We have someone who is out to get us, an adversary, if you will. His name is Satan. And all he wants to do is kill, steal, and destroy. He wants to hinder our spiritual growth and keep us from reaching the destiny that God has in mind for us. So you know what Satan does? He uses trials and tribulations to make us doubt God's promises and to steal the word of God that we have received into our hearts. He tries to make us believe that God doesn't love us or care about us.

Lies, lies, lies, from the enemy.

BUT God. God, on the other hand, wants us to use those times of trial and tribulation to develop our faith in Him as our source and to bring Him glory (among other things) as we triumph over the challenges we face.

So when you are feeling "knocked down," by life or when you feel that life has given you some pretty crappy/sour/unfair lemons so there is no possible way you could even make lemonade (even if you wanted to), remember that it is not God's purpose to keep you down. Nope. His purpose is to make you rise to a higher level of spiritual maturity. And the only way for us to reach those higher levels is to go through challenging situations. This is confirmed by scripture....as the Apostle Paul told believers in Antioch that we enter God’s kingdom through many tribulations (Acts 14:22).

SO...what happens INSIDE of you...is more important than what happens TO you! Alright, so that's all easier said than done right? I mean..I can remind myself of that NOW, but when I am really going through some stuff....I mean reallllyyyyyyyy going through some THANGS (lol) whewwwwww it is tough!!!! That's why I gotta stay prayed up!!!! "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." -Romans 12:12

So now onto me. And my almost melt down. And by almost, I mean, I was super duper close. :) But...well, where shall I begin? If you have been avidly following my blog, you know how hard of a time I initially had just finding out I was pregnant, dealing with what it means to be pregnant, the shame, guilt, the what-ifs, etc. Then I had to face the changes (physically, emotionally) & just thinking about how much my life is truly going to be different once baby S arrives. Then I moved to Amarillo. And had to deal with the changes of moving from a big city back to the dusty west. Adjusting. Job Hunting. Finding a new OB-GYN. Thinking about future plans. Planning. Talking about wedding plans with Marlon. And so much more. As a side note, I don't recommend ever moving while pregnant. It's not fun. But then the story gets even more interesting. Because then I had a car accident. And totaled my poor lil' car that I only had for not even a year and a half. Sally Saturn is no more!

On Wednesday, I was driving back to my house from an interview. Something told me to go straight home, but when I realized I didn't have any gas, I decided that I needed to find a gas station STAT. After seeing how many cars were out and about (not that 5pm Amarillo traffic can possibly come close to comparing to the horrendous 5pm Houston traffic..)...but still, I decided eh...I'll just go ahead & go home after all. So I got into the turning lane, to turn left. Now, this is a little hard to explain..but bear with me. The traffic was all backed up on this particular road because it was after 5. But often times, when traffic is backed up, some drivers (if they are nice) will usually leave an open space in the traffic for people who are turning...which was the case for me. So I was about to turn left, but I realized I couldn't see if there were any cars coming or not in the furthest lane from me. Well, the people behind me were incessantly and impatiently honking at me to go...and the driver in the lane that I could see was motioning for me to go, as well. I was going about 5mph at this time, just sort of easing into the lane, inching in to see if there was a car coming or not so I could try to determine whether or not it was safe to go. I'm a careful driver!

Well, as soon as I inched over the lane, it happened. BAM. I got slammed into by a Yukon that was going entirely too fast. And as soon as we collided,, my front airbag deployed and hit me right smack in the chest/abdomen. I looked at my hand and it was red (I guess the airbag hit my hand, too). And I looked down at my leg (I had a skirt on & somehow my skirt had ripped & my whole front thigh was showing).

I sat in my car for about 3 minutes in complete and utter shock. Had this really just happened? All I could smell was that nasty, yucky, airbag smell. Then a lady came over to my window asking me if I was okay. I choked out a yes, and she told me to get out of my car because it was leaking all kinds of fluids. I went and checked the other driver to make sure she was okay, as well. We hugged. She said she was fine just shaken up. And so was I..just had a horrible headache and some bruises. But I was worrying about the baby. I didn't even care about me!

Fast forward the story a bit....past my freaking out/tears/hyperventilating. Officer gets there; I get the ticket (even though I couldn't see the car...it was still technically my fault), Marlon comes to the rescue & gets all of my stuff out of the car & makes sure I'm okay..& then whisks me away to the ER. ER gets me in, they check my vitals & said my pulse and blood pressure were through the roof. (Well, duh!) They then check the fetal heart beat. Baby S's heart beat was 140..which is normal..so they let me go. No ultrasound. Nothing. I was not a happy camper.

I called my new OBGYN the next day, even though my first official appointment wasn't until Aug. 31st. I told them what happened, & they asked me to come in immediately. So I did. As soon as I got there, doc had to leave to do an emergency C-section. Nurse practitioner (NP) asked me if the ER did an ultrasound on me. I told them no. They were completely shocked and angry (because this is the same hospital that they deliver at). So the NP called over and started yelling at someone on the phone about how they should have done an ultrasound on me..etc etc. Then the NP takes me back, tells me that I am going to get a lot of blood drawn & a PAP smear. I said, "again?" She said, "What do you mean again?" I explained to her that I had already had one & that they should have all of those medical records. She opened my file & it was empty. I told her I had signed a medical records affidavit 2 weeks prior (when I first moved here). It turns out that they never contacted my doctor in Houston to procure the records. So I had to wait for like two hours until my doc in Houston faxed them over. I then heard the nurse fussing at some of the other staff people about how I had been waiting there forever, how they should have gotten my records, etc. Finally, she comes back in & tells me that I am going to get some blood drawn for the quad-screening (for birth defects) & then asked if I could come back in the afternoon. I was livid at this point. LIVID. Blood boiling. But because I love Jesus, I smiled at them when I really wanted to get hood. LOL. Fast forward some more, I went back at 1:30, doc was back & making his rounds. I wait for an hour before he finally came in. It was our first time to meet. Immediately I liked him (much, MUCH better than my OBGYN in Houston). He has a super awesome personality. He gave me some prenatal vitamin samples (SCORE!) and the book What to Expect When Expecting. And let me ask a hundred thousand questions. And didn't try to cut me off.

I was also talking to him about my weight because I am now 17 weeks and I have only gained 1 pound.

He asked me if I had been eating...& I said oh yeah...trust me. lol. The first 3 months, I didn't have much of an appetite and was sick all the time. So I may have actually lost weight then. But now that I have been feeling better, I definitely don't skip a meal. A lot of the time though, when I am feeling hungry, I'll just eat an extra yogurt..or a banana..or some oranges. And I have also been going to the gym with Marlon. So maybe I will be one of those prego ladies who just wakes up one day and it looks like I swallowed a bowling ball or something. Who knows. But for now..all is well. However, my doc wants me to go back on Monday to get an ultrasound done just to make sure that the placenta is intact and everything is okay. They think I am fine since I haven't had any cramping or bleeding and the baby's heartbeat at that appointment was in the high 140's-150 range. So I am hoping that when I go back on Monday that they will be able to tell me what we are having already...because I don't want to have to wait anymore :) My doctor told me that it's like opening presents at Christmas-time & assures me that I can wait "a little bit longer" to find out the surprise. I assured him that I cannot. I have never been good at keeping surprises or waiting to open gifts. Never. But regardless of waiting to "officially" find out, I feel like I already know what baby S is. Me and Marlon believe it is a girl and have been feeling that way since day one. But we shall see! :)

So between dealing with a totaled car, ER visit, obgyn stuff, & now my car insurance...it has been a wonderful past few days. Not. The insurance adjuster should be looking at my car on Monday. I already know it is totaled. So I am preparing myself. I think the next car that I get will be a little SUV of some sort...no more cars.

On a different note, I have to take a moment to brag on Marlon for a bit. He has once again been my knight in shining armor through all of this. After my wreck, I had the worst headache-migraine. I felt like my head was going to explode. But, alas, being pregnant, the only thing that I can take is Tylenol..which doesn't really help headaches of that magnitude. So I just had to tough it out. Marlon told me that I needed some cheesecake and I agreed. haha. I swear I think that boy is trying to make me get fat. But I am a sucker for some dirty delicious cheesecake! :) He def took good care of me and always makes sure that I am okay. And he has already started reading Bible baby stories to my tummy. It makes me tear up. EVERY TIME. Seriously.

Well, enough of my senseless rambling. Hope you all have a blessed Saturday!

XOXO
Kyn